Confrontation IN Marriage: How to Address Issues the Right Way

We’re continuing our blog series on What to Do When Your Marriage is in Trouble. If you haven’t caught the previous entries yet, do yourself a favor and go back to the beginning. Trust me—it’s worth it for the full picture, because all of these ideas build on each other.

Today’s topic: confronting your spouse directly when issues arise—and why avoiding this step can keep you trapped in cycles of resentment, gossip, and unaddressed pain.

Now, if you’re sitting there thinking, “Isn’t confrontation just picking a fight?” or “Can’t I just vent to my friends instead?”—I’ve got news for you. Confrontation, when done right, is one of the most powerful and transformative acts in any relationship.

It’s like setting a bone that’s been out of place for far too long—painful, yes, but necessary for healing. And let’s be honest—no one likes the idea of confrontation. It’s uncomfortable, it’s awkward, and it forces you to look at things you’d rather ignore. But growth happens in the discomfort. And if you want a healthy marriage, you’ve got to be willing to get uncomfortable.

Avoiding Confrontation: The Silent Killer of Marriages

Let’s start by being real about what happens when you avoid confronting issues in your marriage. Maybe your spouse says something hurtful, or they do something that crosses a boundary. You feel that gut reaction—anger, frustration, hurt—but instead of addressing it, you shove it down, bury it deep, and tell yourself, “It’s not worth the fight.”

But what happens?

That little seed of resentment starts to grow. And it doesn’t just go away because you ignore it. No, it lingers, festers, and over time, it becomes this massive wall between you and your spouse.

Let’s be clear—avoiding confrontation is like refusing to change the oil in your car. You might think you’re saving time and avoiding hassle, but eventually, the engine seizes up, and you’re stranded on the side of the road, wondering how things got so bad. You have two choices: confront the issues as they come or let them pile up until the damage is almost irreversible. And trust me, the latter option costs a lot more.

The Right Way to Confront

Now, let’s talk about how to confront your spouse the right way.

This isn’t about rolling up to your spouse with a list of grievances like you’re preparing for a courtroom drama. It’s about honest, direct communication. And here’s the thing—before you even go to your spouse, you’ve got to check yourself first. You’ve got to make sure you’re not coming in hot, swinging with all the emotions. That’s a quick way to start a fight, not solve a problem.

Here’s the approach: Own your feelings. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” or “You’re always ignoring my needs,” start with I statements. “I felt hurt when this happened,” or “I’m struggling with feeling disconnected.” Why? Because when you use “I” statements, you’re taking responsibility for your own emotions instead of placing blame. It opens the door for a conversation rather than a confrontation.

And let’s be honest—when you come at someone with, “You always…” or “You never…”, you’re pretty much lighting the fuse on a stick of dynamite. This is like showing up to a housewarming party and immediately complaining about the wallpaper—nobody’s going to listen to you after that.

NEVER Gossip ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE

Now, this is where a lot of people get it wrong, and I mean a lot.

When their spouse hurts them, instead of going directly to them, they go to their friends. They vent, they spill all the details, and they call it “getting support” or “asking for advice.” But let’s be real—that’s just a fancy way of dressing up gossip. It’s taking the issue to everyone except the one person who can actually do something about it.

Think of it this way: if you’ve got a leaky pipe, you don’t call your neighbor and complain about it. You call the plumber, the one person who can actually do something about it. They’re the one you need to have the conversation with, not your friends, not your mom, and not your coworker. And when you go to someone else before you go to your spouse, you’re not just avoiding the issue—you’re violating trust. You’re creating a divide where there should be unity.

When Confrontation Is Done Right, It’s Transformative

When you confront your spouse with honesty, humility, and a genuine desire for resolution, it opens up the opportunity for growth. You see, the goal of confrontation isn’t to “win” or to prove who’s right. It’s to address the issue, clear the air, and move forward. It’s not about winning a battle; it’s about strengthening the foundation of your relationship. And that requires a shift in mindset.

Imagine you’re in a soccer match, and your goal is to score points. The moment you start focusing on taking down your teammate instead of working together to score, you’re sabotaging your own chances of victory. It’s the same in marriage. You and your spouse are a team, and when issues arise, the point isn’t to “win” against each other but to work together to overcome the problem. You’re both on the same side—don’t lose sight of that.

The Bible’s Approach: Go Directly to Them

This isn’t just some modern relationship advice; it’s biblical wisdom. The Bible makes it clear: when someone sins against you, go to them directly (Matthew 18:15). That means, no detours to your friends, no subtle passive-aggressive comments hoping they’ll get the hint—just straightforward, honest communication.

And look, I get it. Direct confrontation is uncomfortable. It feels vulnerable, and it takes a lot of courage. But the alternative is far worse. When you avoid addressing the issue, it doesn’t go away—it grows. And instead of building intimacy and trust, you create distance and resentment.

Now, here’s an important point: when you go to your spouse, the goal is not to attack. It’s not to unload all your frustrations like you’re opening the floodgates. Approach with humility. The Bible talks about this, too—speaking the truth in love. You’re not there to accuse or to condemn. You’re there to build a bridge, not burn it.

When You Need a Neutral Third Party

But let’s say you’ve confronted your spouse. You’ve had the conversation, and it didn’t go the way you hoped. Maybe they’re not receptive. Maybe they’re defensive. At this point, you might feel stuck. This is where you bring in a neutral third party—someone like a pastor, counselor, or trusted mentor who can help mediate the situation.

And let’s clarify something here: this third party shouldn’t be your best friend from college or your neighbor who just loves hearing the latest gossip. It should be someone who has the wisdom, experience, and maturity to guide the conversation and hold both of you accountable. It’s about finding a referee who can keep things on track, not someone who’ll take sides.

When you bring in a neutral party, you’re not admitting defeat—you’re admitting that you care enough about the relationship to seek help. It’s like bringing in a coach when your game isn’t working. It doesn’t mean you’re losing; it means you’re committed to winning in the right way.

What to Do When Confrontation Isn’t Safe

If you’re in a situation where you genuinely feel threatened, do not hesitate to seek immediate help. This might mean reaching out to a trusted pastor, counselor, or, if necessary, law enforcement. This is not a time for shame or fear—it’s about your safety and well-being. The Bible is clear: no one has the right to use power or control to inflict harm. Establishing firm boundaries and taking steps to protect yourself is not only wise but necessary. It’s an act of stewardship over your own life and well-being, aligning with God’s heart for you to live in freedom and peace, not fear or oppression.

Now, it’s important to differentiate between casual misuse of the term toxic and actual unsafe or abusive situations. When confrontation isn’t safe, such as in an environment where physical or emotional abuse is present, the rules absolutely change. Safety becomes the priority, and any confrontation should take place in a controlled, protected setting.

The term toxic or the idea that "this person isn't safe" has become a trending, easy-to-use cliché. It’s a label that many people quickly learn the power of and then use as a weapon, often without much thought or discernment. If you find yourself frequently using the word toxic or phrases like not safe as a regular part of your vocabulary, it’s crucial to be cautious. Not only are you modeling this behavior to your children—who will, trust me, start using these terms liberally on just about everyone, from the Starbucks barista to the person taking their order at McDonald's—but you may also be revealing a deeper issue. When these words become habitual, it could indicate the presence of a victim mindset, a disposition that sees danger or offense where it may not actually exist. This mindset might require gentle deconstruction, rooted in solid biblical discernment, and possibly the guidance of a professional counselor.

A Call to Courage

Confrontation is necessary for growth.

It’s uncomfortable, it’s awkward, but it’s also the doorway to a stronger, healthier marriage. You can’t avoid it, and you can’t delegate it to your friends. It’s your responsibility, and it’s your opportunity.

When you confront your spouse, you’re not just addressing a problem—you’re building a bridge. You’re saying, “I value this relationship enough to have this uncomfortable conversation.” And when done with love, humility, and honesty, confrontation isn’t a wedge that drives you apart. It’s a tool that brings you closer together.

So, next time you feel that tension rising, that urge to sweep things under the rug or vent to someone else, remember this: Courage is confronting the issue head-on, trusting that God will work through the discomfort to bring about healing and growth.

And if you get it right, it’s a step that could transform not only your marriage but your life.

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ADDITIONAL RESOURCES

Need more practical help in the area of confrontation and conflict management? Here are some of my favorite books on the topic that offer valuable insights and strategies:

Fight Fair: Winning at Conflict without Losing at Love

Practice of Honor: Putting Into Daily Life the Culture of Honor by Danny Silk - This book focuses on creating a culture of honor, helping you navigate conflict while maintaining respect, love, and dignity in your relationships.

Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend - A classic that emphasizes the importance of setting healthy boundaries and provides a biblical perspective on conflict resolution.

The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande - This guide helps you apply biblical principles to resolve conflicts effectively and restore relationships in a God-honoring way.

Releasing Control

Welcome back!

We’re continuing our blog series on What to Do When Your Marriage is in Trouble. If you haven’t caught the previous entries yet, do yourself a favor and go back to the beginning.

Trust me—it’s worth it for the full picture, because all of these ideas build on each other.

Today, we’re tackling a big one: control.

[Insert dramatic soundtrack here: BUM BUM BUMMMMMMMM!]

If you’re like most of us, you’ve probably tried to control a situation or two—or maybe you’ve tried to control everything, from the way the towels are folded to your spouse’s behavior. And, surprise surprise, it hasn’t worked out so well. That’s because control is a sneaky thing. It makes you think you’re fixing something, when in reality, you’re just tightening the leash on a relationship that should be about love, trust, and freedom.

It’s important to note that this issue of control isn’t gender-specific. Both men and women can struggle with this, and often for different reasons.

Maybe you think you’re helping by organizing your partner’s schedule, or perhaps you step in when you feel like you’re more “capable.” Either way, the result is the same—an imbalance that leaves both partners feeling drained.

So, how do we let go of control? How do we trust instead of trying to manipulate every little detail in our marriages? We’re going to break this down step by step.

Step 1: Accept the Fact That You’re Not Actually in Control

This is where it all begins—admitting you’re not actually in control.

That might sound simple, but it’s one of the hardest things to do. You might think you’re just “organizing” or “helping things go smoother,” but if we’re being real, those are often just fancy ways of saying, “I’m making sure things go my way.”

For men, this might look like over-managing finances or dictating how certain tasks are done around the house.

For women, it could be rearranging the dishwasher after it’s loaded or frequently offering “helpful” reminders. Whatever form it takes, control can creep into a marriage like an uninvited houseguest, slowly taking over.

Proverbs 16:9 tells us, “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.”

Here’s the truth: we’re never really in control, not in the big sense. Sure, we can make plans, fold laundry a certain way, or send out reminders, but at the end of the day, only God can direct the true course of our lives. And guess what? That includes your spouse.

Control is Exhausting—For Both of You

The problem with trying to control everything is that it’s downright exhausting. It’s like being a one-person orchestra where you’re expected to play all the instruments simultaneously. You think you’re managing everything, but in reality, you’re out of tune and out of energy.

Here’s a scenario. You want everything to go smoothly, so you plan every last detail of your week. You create color-coded schedules for the family, you remind your spouse multiple times about dinner plans, and you get frustrated when things don’t go according to your master plan. Then, instead of helping, your spouse gets distant. They stop engaging because, frankly, who wants to feel micromanaged in their own home?

This can happen regardless of whether you’re a husband or a wife. Over-managing details can cause your spouse to pull away, feeling less engaged or even resentful, and in turn, you both end up feeling worn out.

Matthew 11:28 says, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Control adds weight, both to your relationship and to your own heart. Letting go of that need to manage every detail is the first step towards finding real rest.

Step 2: Letting Go of the Outcome

Here’s where things get tricky. Letting go of control means letting go of the outcome. This is the part that freaks most people out.

If you’re not pulling the strings, who is?

What if things go wrong?

What if your spouse makes a decision you don’t agree with?

What if—gasp—they mess up?

And now comes the uncomfortable truth: that’s okay!

Part of being in a relationship, especially a marriage, is trusting your spouse enough to let them make mistakes. It’s trusting them enough to let them take responsibility for their own actions without you stepping in to “fix” everything. It’s realizing that love and control don’t go hand in hand.

1 Corinthians 13:7 says, “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

Notice what’s not on that list?

Love doesn’t control all things.

Love gives freedom, even when it’s uncomfortable, even when it means things don’t go perfectly according to plan.

Whether you're a husband or a wife, trying to control every outcome in your marriage is like holding your partner’s arm behind their back instead of gently holding their hand. One is a partnership. The other is force, and force isn’t love.

Step 3: Trust is Not Passive—It’s Active

Now, some of you might be thinking, But if I let go of control, won’t everything fall apart?

I get it. Letting go feels risky. It feels passive. But trust me, it’s not. Trust isn’t sitting back and doing nothing.

Trust is actively choosing to let God and your spouse step up without you orchestrating every move.

Psalm 37:5 says, “Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act.” Trust is active because it involves a decision.

And you know what’s funny? When you stop trying to control everything, you might find that your spouse rises to the occasion. Whether you're a man or a woman, giving your partner space allows them to step up. Maybe they load the dishwasher “wrong,” but they start taking on more responsibility in areas you never even asked for. Maybe they don’t handle a situation the way you would have, but they figure it out on their own—and your marriage grows stronger because of it.

Why Letting Go of Control Leads to Real Freedom

Here’s the bottom line: letting go of control leads to real freedom, not just for your spouse but for you.

When you stop micromanaging every aspect of your relationship, you give both of you space to grow, to learn, and to love without the constant pressure of perfection.

Galatians 5:1 says, “For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.”

Control is a yoke—it’s heavy, restrictive, and it keeps you and your spouse from experiencing the true freedom God intended for your marriage.

The Freedom in Letting Go

So, where does this leave us?

Letting go of control isn’t about doing nothing—it’s about trusting God, trusting your spouse, and trusting that things will work out, even when they don’t go exactly according to your plan.

It’s about releasing that tight grip you have on the outcome and letting real love—trusting, freeing, and imperfect love—take its place.

As you move forward, ask yourself, “Where am I holding too tightly? Where can I give my spouse more freedom, and myself more peace?” It won’t happen overnight, but as you start to release control, you’ll find that what comes in its place is so much more fulfilling.

Stay tuned for more insights in this series, and if you’re looking for additional resources or support, check out darrenstott.com.

IT’S NOT ABOUT THE DIRTY DISHES (BUT LET’S BE HONEST, IT KINDA IS)

What Causes Marriage Problems? Understanding the Root Issues

Welcome back! This is part of our blog series on What to Do When Your Marriage is in Trouble. If you haven’t had a chance to read the previous posts, be sure to go back and read the entire series for maximum effectiveness. Each blog builds on the last, giving you the tools and insights to bring healing and restoration to your relationship.

Today, we’re diving into a critical topic—what actually causes marriage problems.

Spoiler alert: it’s usually not just one thing. But the good news is, by identifying the root issues, you can start addressing them head-on and work towards building a stronger, healthier marriage.

Plates are plates. They’ll be fine.

Have you ever found yourself in a heated argument over something as ridiculous as the way the dishwasher was loaded? You know, one of those moments where you start off talking about something small—like plates—and before you know it, you’re debating existential life questions like, “Does my spouse even love me?” and “Why are we still living like this?”

It always starts out simple. You walk into the kitchen, humming to yourself, and then... boom. The dishwasher looks like a blind man failed at a game of kitchen Tetris. Plates are on the top rack, the cups are stuffed in there sideways, and you’re pretty sure the forks are organized by chaos theory.

You stare at it for a second, taking it in like you're at some abstract art exhibit—or maybe just staring at solid evidence of genetic stupidity. And before you can stop yourself, the words tumble out.

“Why are the plates on the top rack?” You try to keep it casual, but inside you’re thinking, Who does this? Who raised you? Is this a cry for help?

Your spouse looks up from their phone, inconvenienced by your question. “What’s wrong with the top rack?”

Now, this is where things get dicey. You take a deep breath, like you're about to give a TED Talk no one asked for. “The water doesn’t even reach the plates up there.”

They shrug, completely unfazed. “Plates are plates. They’ll be fine.”

And now, here it comes—the storm building inside you. Plates are plates? That’s like saying cats are dogs. You can’t just throw things anywhere and expect it to work! That’s how you end up with dirty plates and a messy marriage! But, you’re cool. You can stay calm. After all, it’s just the dishwasher, right?

“That’s not how it works. Plates go on the bottom, where the water can actually hit them. You don’t just—" And then it hits you. This isn’t about the plates anymore. This is about something deeper, darker—like the time they forgot your birthday, or the fact they’ve been using your good towels as gym rags.

But instead of going down the rabbit hole, you pause, giving them the chance to make this right. A little acknowledgment, a little ownership of their crimes. Maybe even an apology.

What do you get instead? An eye roll so big, it’s like they’re trying to check out the back of their own small, thick, empty skull.

“Well, maybe if you actually loaded the dishwasher once in a while, we wouldn’t have this problem,” they say, leaning back in their chair like they just delivered a wisdom nugget straight from the mouth of Confucius.

Now, this is where things go off the rails. I load the dishwasher! I do! But they said it so confidently that now you’re starting to doubt yourself. Like, Do I load the dishwasher? Have I ever? Am I the problem?

You shake it off. No. Not today, Satan. You’re not falling for it. “I load the dishwasher correctly when I do it, though. You know, with logic and reason. Not... whatever this is.”

They smirk, and you’re pretty sure you can hear angels weeping in the background. “Logic and reason? Oh, wow, I didn’t realize we were turning this into a Socratic dialogue. What’s next, you gonna start quoting Plato on the cutlery? Clearly, your parents’ investment in that Classical Education is finally paying off.” And just like that, the dishwasher has officially become a metaphor for your entire marriage.

You cross your arms, leaning against the counter like you’re gearing up for the showdown at high noon. “It’s not just the dishwasher. You never listen to me.”

Their eyebrows shoot up like you just accused them of a federal crime. “Never listen to you? Babe, you act like you’re out here dropping secret codes to the universe. You’re mad about the plates. Get a life!”

You want to laugh, but it’s too late. The dam has broken, and here comes the flood. “Oh, it’s about more than the plates. It’s about the fact that I asked you last week to fix the garage door and you said you’d do it, but here we are, still ducking under it like we’re freakin’ Indiana Jones!”

“Oh, here we go. You’re gonna bring up the garage door now? Next thing you know, you’ll be throwing 2014 in my face like I didn’t forget our anniversary because I was at work, keeping the lights on in this place!”

More shots fired! You’re not just talking about dishes or doors anymore. You’re unraveling seven years of pent-up frustrations in front of the dishwasher, all because some plates are taking a joyride on the top rack.

It’s always the small stuff that cracks the dam, isn’t it?

It’s almost never about the dishwasher. These small conflicts usually point to something deeper that’s been bubbling under the surface. Maybe it’s a lack of communication, unmet expectations, or feeling unappreciated. The dirty dishes are just the spark that ignites the real issue.

Ephesians 4:26 (ESV) gives us this wisdom: "Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger."

It’s a reminder that small issues, when left unresolved, can snowball into something much bigger. Just like that warning light on your car dashboard, these minor arguments are signals that something deeper needs attention. Ignoring them doesn’t make the issue go away—it just means you’ll be stranded on the side of the road sooner or later.

While the small things can set off arguments, the real culprits behind most marriage problems are disconnection and unmet expectations.

1. Disconnection: Over time, life happens. You get busy with work, kids, and responsibilities. What used to be long conversations over dinner turns into quick exchanges about the kids’ schedule or who’s picking up groceries. It’s not that you’ve stopped loving each other, but the emotional connection starts to weaken.

   Proverbs 18:21 tells us, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue." This highlights how important your words and communication are. When communication breaks down, the emotional bond begins to fray.

This is why you might feel like you’re living more like roommates than partners. You’re sharing a life, but not really sharing life. When the emotional connection is lost, everything else—intimacy, trust, patience—starts to deteriorate.

1. Unmet Expectations: Unmet expectations are the silent marriage killer. Often, they’re not even spoken out loud, but they’re there. You expected marriage to look a certain way. Maybe you thought your spouse would do more around the house or you envisioned a more exciting, adventurous life together. Over time, these expectations can morph into disappointments, and if left unchecked, they turn into resentment.

James 4:1-2 says, "What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?"

Unmet desires can quickly lead to conflict if we’re not open about them. Sometimes we don’t even realize what our expectations are until they go unmet.

Communication is one of the first things to suffer when marriages are in trouble.

And not just any communication—meaningful communication. We’re not talking about the "Can you grab milk on your way home?" type of talk. We’re talking about the heart-to-heart conversations that used to come naturally.

When communication breaks down, it creates a space for misunderstandings, assumptions, and worst of all—distance. You stop sharing your thoughts and feelings, and the distance grows. Eventually, you’re living with someone you barely recognize emotionally.

Proverbs 13:17 tells us, “A wicked messenger falls into trouble, but a faithful envoy brings healing.”

When we communicate faithfully and openly with our spouses, we open the door for healing and reconciliation. But when we hide, avoid, or simply shut down, we fall into the trap of distance and isolation.

Another major cause of marriage problems that can’t be ignored is unforgiveness.

Whether it’s a small offense or a significant betrayal, holding onto hurt creates a barrier that’s hard to overcome. Unforgiveness is like a heavy chain around your relationship, keeping you stuck in the past instead of moving forward.

Matthew 6:14 says, "For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you."

It’s not easy to forgive, but it’s essential for a healthy marriage. When we don’t forgive, we leave room for bitterness to grow. And once bitterness takes root, it can choke out the love and trust that once held your marriage together.

It’s not just about saying, “I forgive you.” Real forgiveness requires vulnerability, humility, and the willingness to let go of the hurt—whether or not your spouse fully acknowledges the pain they caused. It’s about freeing yourself and opening the door for healing.

Once you’ve identified some of the root causes of your marriage problems—whether it’s disconnection, unmet expectations, communication breakdown, or unforgiveness—the next step is to bring these issues into the light.

Ephesians 5:13 reminds us, "But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible."

In other words, healing begins when you’re honest about what’s really going on.

This means having an open, honest, and humble conversation with your spouse about what you’re feeling and experiencing. It’s not about blaming them or pointing fingers—it’s about expressing your heart and being vulnerable. Vulnerability is hard, especially if there’s been hurt, but it’s the only way to start rebuilding trust and connection.

 Marriage problems are complex, and they don’t stem from just one issue. Whether it’s disconnection, unmet expectations, or unforgiveness, the key is to address these root issues with open, honest, and humble communication.

Don’t let small conflicts snowball into something bigger by ignoring them. Instead, have the hard conversations now, before it’s too late.

Remember, marriage is a journey, not a destination. There will be bumps along the way, but with God’s grace and a commitment to facing issues head-on, healing is possible.

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About the Author:

Darren Stott is a powerhouse revivalist known for walking in signs-and-wonders, miracles, and salvations. His Portals University has equipped thousands with the practices needed to engage the heavenly windows of opportunity. Darren is a joy guy—whether he's leading people to Jesus or equipping a room of businessmen, Darren is known for the sort of joy that is able to drive a point home and see dramatic life change. Darren Stott is a Pastor, Author, Podcaster, Radio Host, and Founder of Supernaturalist Ministries.

For more information and resources, visit darrenstott.com.

Do You Have a Moldy Marriage?

If you’re reading this, and you are, it’s likely that either you or someone you know is facing some turbulence in their marriage.

Maybe it’s more than just the usual squabbles over whose turn it is to take out the trash, or perhaps you’ve been stuck in an unending loop of silent treatments, each one colder than the last.

Whatever the case, you're in the right place, because today, we’re diving into what to do when your marriage is in trouble, and how you can start turning things around.

Now, I know what you might be thinking: "Why should I listen to this guy? My situation is different." And you’re right—every marriage is as unique as the people in it. But here’s the kicker: the foundational issues that cause marital strife are often strikingly similar across the board. And if we can pinpoint those, we can begin to heal them.

The Problem With Keeping Things in the Dark

In Ephesians 5:13, Paul says, “But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible.” Now, Paul wasn’t just talking about the suspicious-looking leftovers in your fridge. He was getting at something much deeper—the fact that problems only get worse when they’re hidden in the dark.

And speaking of suspicious-looking leftovers, let’s say they’re starting to grow a nice fuzzy coat—yup, that’s mold! It might be funny in your fridge, but it’s no joke in your marriage. Just like those leftovers, problems in your marriage can start to grow when they’re left unattended. The thing about mold is, it can grow anywhere, but it really thrives in those neglected, hidden corners where the light doesn’t reach—just like the issues in your relationship. When problems are left in the dark, they fester and spread, often unnoticed until they’ve caused serious damage.

When you’re too afraid to bring your issues into the light, they start to fester.

You might think you’re keeping the peace by not addressing the elephant in the room, but in reality, you’re just letting it grow fatter and more destructive.

Here’s the first hard truth: you need to bring your marital issues into the light. This doesn’t mean airing your dirty laundry on social media or telling your nosy neighbor all about your spouse's quirks. No, it means being honest with yourself, your spouse, and God. You can’t fix what you refuse to face.

Why Marriages Fail

Now, let’s get into the nitty-gritty of why marriages fail. It’s not like you wake up one day and decide, “You know what? Divorce sounds like a fun new adventure.” No, it’s a gradual process—a slow burn that starts with a spark of unresolved conflict and ends in a wildfire of resentment.

One of the biggest culprits?

Fear.

Yep, fear.

The Bible talks about fear in a way that’s almost paradoxical. On one hand, we’re told, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” (Proverbs 9:10, ESV). But on the other, we’re also told, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear” (1 John 4:18, ESV). So, what gives?

Here’s the thing: healthy fear—the kind that leads to wisdom—guides us towards making better choices. But the fear that creeps into a marriage isn’t the healthy kind. It’s the fear of rejection, the fear of vulnerability, the fear of being truly seen by the person who’s supposed to love you the most. And that fear? It’s a relationship killer.

Fear drives us to hide, to pretend everything’s fine when it’s not. It’s like trying to keep a beach ball underwater—it takes a lot of effort, and eventually, it’s going to pop up and hit you right in the face.

The Usual Suspects

If we’re going to talk about what’s really going wrong in your marriage, we need to discuss the unholy trinity of relationship destruction: fear, shame, and control.

These three amigos have been around since the dawn of time—literally. They made their debut in the Garden of Eden, and they’ve been wreaking havoc ever since.

Remember Genesis 3? Adam and Eve, the first couple, had it all. Paradise, an intimate relationship with God, and not a care in the world. That is, until they decided to snack on the one fruit God told them to avoid.

What happened next?

They realized they were naked (cue the shame), hid from God (hello, fear), and tried to cover themselves up with fig leaves (classic control move).

This same cycle plays out in marriages today. You make a mistake, feel ashamed, and instead of coming clean, you hide it.

You control the narrative, trying to maintain an image, but all the while, the relationship is deteriorating.

Fear leads to shame, shame leads to control, and control leads to—you guessed it—more fear.

Step 1: Conquering Fear

Alright, now that we’ve diagnosed the problem, let’s talk about solutions.

Step one: stop partnering with fear. Fear is like that friend who always borrows money but never pays it back—it takes and takes and leaves you worse off than before.

2 Timothy 1:7 says, “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” Notice the contrast here? Fear is the opposite of power, love, and self-control. If you’re operating in fear, you’re missing out on the very tools you need to fix your marriage.

So how do you conquer fear? By acknowledging it. Call it out. Tell your spouse, “Hey, I’m scared. I’m scared of where this is heading, and I don’t want to lose you.”

Vulnerability is scary, but it’s also powerful. It’s the first step towards real healing.

Step 2: Shame Off You

Next up, we need to deal with shame. Shame is that little voice in your head that says, “You’re not good enough. If they really knew you, they wouldn’t love you.” But here’s the truth: shame is a liar.

Romans 8:1 reminds us, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” If you’re walking around with shame on your shoulders, it’s time to shake it off.

Shame doesn’t come from God; it comes from the enemy who wants to keep you trapped in a cycle of self-doubt and self-loathing.

Here’s a little secret: no one’s marriage is perfect. Everyone has issues. The key is not to let those issues define you. Instead of letting shame control your actions, let grace lead the way. Extend grace to yourself and your spouse. After all, you’re both human, and humans are notoriously imperfect.

Step 3: Letting Go of Control

Finally, let’s talk about control. We all like to think we’re in control, but the truth is, control is an illusion. It’s like trying to herd cats—no matter how hard you try, things are going to go their own way.

Proverbs 3:5-6 tells us, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” Control is rooted in pride, the belief that you can handle everything on your own. But spoiler alert: you can’t.

Letting go of control means trusting God with your marriage. It means admitting that you don’t have all the answers and that you can’t fix this on your own. And that’s okay. It’s not about giving up; it’s about giving over—handing your marriage over to the One who created it in the first place.

The Road to Healing

So, where do we go from here?

Well, if you’ve made it this far, congratulations—you’ve taken the first step towards healing. You’ve acknowledged that fear, shame, and control have been running the show, and you’re ready to change that.

The road to healing won’t be easy. It’s going to require vulnerability, humility, and a whole lot of grace. But here’s the good news: you’re not in this alone. God is with you, and He’s more invested in your marriage than you can imagine.

Jeremiah 29:11 reminds us, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

So, let’s step into that hope!! Let’s bring everything into the light and start the journey towards healing and restoration. Your marriage is worth fighting for, and with God on your side, there’s no battle you can’t win.

And remember, if you need some encouragement along the way, come back to this blog. We’ll be here, walking this journey with you, one step at a time.

I look forward to sharing more with you in the weeks ahead. Remember, what God has joined together, let no man separate. Don’t give up on God, don’t give up on your spouse, and don’t give up on yourself. God’s grace is sufficient. Stay tuned!