The Weeping God

The Avoided Conversation Regarding the Humanity of the Christ

Jesus is the most misunderstood figure in human history. And when you add his humanity to the equation, people get uncomfortable. The idea of God becoming flesh—not just to preach sermons and perform miracles, but to sweat, cry, and feel overwhelmed—is something many prefer to avoid. It’s messy. It’s vulnerable. And it makes us confront emotions we’d rather bury. But that’s precisely why it matters. If you’ve ever felt alone, crushed by sorrow, or betrayed, then the humanity of Jesus is not just relevant—it’s essential.

When we look at the account in Gethsemane we see that Jesus has just shared the Last Supper, and Judas has left to finalize his betrayal. Now, Jesus takes his closest friends to a garden—a place meant for rest and reflection. But tonight, it becomes the setting for an emotional storm.

"My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me."

Pause.

Let those words sink in.

The Son of God, the one who walked on water and fed thousands with a boy’s lunch, admits he is overwhelmed. Not just sad. Not just stressed. Overwhelmed to the point of death. This is vulnerability on a level we rarely see, and it’s coming from the one we often expect to be invincible.

And what do his disciples do? They fall asleep. Not once. Not twice. Three times. Jesus—at his most vulnerable—is left to face the weight of the world alone.

This moment is heartbreakingly human. Jesus doesn’t suppress his emotions. He doesn’t pretend to be fine. He acknowledges his sorrow, and he invites his friends to share the burden. But even when they fail him, he doesn’t turn to anger or resentment. He turns to the Father.

Why This Offends Us

The humanity of Jesus offends our sensibilities. For the Jews of his time, the idea of God becoming human was blasphemous. God is holy, transcendent, and untouchable—not someone who bleeds and weeps. For the Greeks, it was absurd. Their gods might mingle with humans, but they never lowered themselves to human frailty. And for us? We’re uncomfortable with a Jesus who feels too much like us. We want him to be strong, stoic, and always in control—the hero who saves the day without breaking a sweat.

But this, is the paradox. Jesus’ humanity doesn’t diminish his divinity. It magnifies it! The infinite stepping into the finite is not a sign of weakness but of immeasurable love. It’s a God who refuses to stay distant, choosing instead to walk with us, feel with us, and ultimately suffer for us.

Jesus’ humanity also forces us to confront our own fragility. If he, the Son of God, experienced sorrow and needed connection, how much more do we? And yet, we often isolate ourselves, avoiding vulnerability at all costs. To admit weakness feels like failure. But Jesus teaches us that admitting our frailty is where true strength begins.

What Jesus does here is remarkable. He acknowledges His feelings honestly and vulnerably, inviting His closest friends into that space. But most importantly, He takes it all to His Father. He submits His emotions and His life to God, not demanding a change in the situation, but surrendering to the Father’s will. He demonstrates that if this is what the Father desires, then it is what He desires too.

Jesus didn’t just cheer up

Most of us have been conditioned to see emotions as a liability. If you’re sad, you’re told to cheer up. If you’re angry, you’re told to calm down. If you’re overwhelmed, you’re told to pull yourself together. But Jesus challenges this mindset. He doesn’t deny His feelings—He acknowledges them. He doesn’t hide His sorrow—He expresses it. And in doing so, He shows us that emotions are not something to fear or suppress—they are part of what it means to be fully human.

When Jesus says, “My soul is overwhelmed to the point of death,” He validates every moment you’ve ever felt crushed by life. He shows us that sorrow and strength can coexist. That it’s okay to feel deeply, as long as we bring those feelings to the One who can carry them.

This is a lesson many of us resist. We live in a culture that values productivity over presence. We’re told to “push through” rather than pause and process. But Jesus pauses. He prays. He doesn’t rush past His grief; He sits with it. And in that sitting, in that acknowledging, He shows us that vulnerability is not weakness—it’s an act of strength.

The humanity of Jesus is not a footnote in his story; it’s the heartbeat of the Gospel. Through his emotions—his sorrow, his anger, his vulnerability—we see a God who doesn’t just sympathize with our struggles but fully understands them. Jesus lived, suffered, and overcame so that we might find hope in our darkest moments. He shows us that it’s okay to feel deeply, to acknowledge pain, and to invite others into our journey. Most importantly, he reminds us to bring everything to the Father.

Whether you’re wrestling with grief, anger, or a storm you can’t yet name, remember this: You are not alone. Just as Jesus endured for the joy set before him, we too can stand firm, knowing that redemption is on the horizon. You may feel overwhelmed, but you are not overcome. Keep standing, keep trusting, and let the humanity and divinity of Christ carry you through.

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About the Author

Darren Stott is a pastor, speaker, and author known for his passion for seeing lives transformed by the presence of God. As the Lead Pastor of Eden Church, Darren has dedicated his life to creating spaces where people can encounter God’s love and power. He is also the founder of the brand-new 10:10 Group, Supernatural School, and Portals University, initiatives designed to equip individuals to walk in their full identity and purpose.

Stay connected with Darren by visiting www.darrenstott.com. Join the mailing list to stay updated on new resources, events, and teachings, including updates on the 10:10 Group, Supernatural School, and Portals University. Your journey into deeper faith and supernatural living starts here.

Did God Wear a Diaper?

The Creator of the universe took His first wobbly steps, probably fell, and got back up. That’s the humility of God in action.

"The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth." 

— John 1:14

When we think about the story of Christmas, it’s easy to focus on the manger, the shepherds, and the star shining brightly in the night. But how often do we stop to ponder the scandalous, profound reality of what this all means? God—infinite, all-powerful, and holy—became human. Not a polished, glowing superhero, but a vulnerable baby who cried, stumbled, and grew up facing the struggles of everyday life.

This article dives into the often-overlooked topic of Christ’s humanity, a subject rarely emphasized in charismatic and supernatural circles. In these communities, there’s a strong focus on Jesus’ miracles, His power, and His authority. And while these aspects are undeniably true and central to our faith, they can sometimes overshadow the equally critical truth of His humanity. Yet, understanding this truth is vital. It reminds us that Jesus didn’t just come to save us; He came to fully experience and redeem what it means to be human.

Why "Son of Man"?

Why "Son of Man"? It’s a title with deep roots, appearing prominently in Ezekiel and Daniel. But more than a nod to prophecy, it reminds us that Jesus wasn’t just some untouchable God; He was flesh and blood. He was fully human. He likely stubbed His toe, sneezed, and experienced hunger just like us. And yes, He wept. But let’s make sure we’re telling the whole story. Yes, He wept, but He also raised the dead with bold, raw, passionate faith. Let’s not reduce Him to a distorted portrayal—a crybaby wandering around in tears. He wept when compassion called for it, but He also declared life into a tomb and brought a man, four days dead, back to life.

And that’s where the story gets electrifying. Picture the moment Jesus calls Lazarus out of the tomb. Four days dead, and suddenly Lazarus is walking out, wrapped in grave clothes, looking like he just stumbled off the set of The Mummy Returns. This isn’t just about tears; it’s about a Savior with the power to transform even the most hopeless situations into miracles. 

Humanity and Divinity in Balance

Jesus’ humanity and divinity exist in perfect balance. Often, Christians split into camps, leaning heavily on one aspect and ignoring the other. Some focus so much on His humanity that He becomes a moral teacher, a motivator—stripped of His power. Others emphasize His divinity, painting Him as an untouchable being disconnected from human struggles.

But here’s the truth: Jesus is both. Fully God. Fully man. Fully committed to entering our messy, awkward, and beautifully human existence.

The Infinite Became Finite

John 1 sets the stage: “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” This isn’t just some poetic intro; it’s a theological mic drop. Jesus was there at creation. He spoke galaxies into existence. And yet, He chose to enter His creation as a helpless infant.

Did God wear a diaper?

It’s a question worth pondering.

The humility of God entering humanity as a helpless infant should challenge our assumptions and redefine what it means to embrace weakness for the sake of others.

Dwelling Among Us

Here’s where it gets interesting. The Word became flesh and dwelt among us.

Not visited.

Not phoned it in.

Dwelt.

That’s like saying He moved into the neighborhood, set up shop, and became part of the HOA.

He didn’t just come to fix humanity; He came to experience it fully, to become one of us, and to transform it forever.

In Jesus, we see a God who chose to walk in our shoes, feel our pain, and redeem every corner of our existence. This was not a distant rescue mission—it was a total immersion into the human story. Hunger, fatigue, rejection—all of it. And yet, He didn’t lose His divinity. He embraced weakness so that through Him, we could find strength.

The Obsession with Perfection

Now, we live in a world obsessed with perfection. Social media is a circus of filters and AI apps. We’ve traded authenticity for algorithms. Even our role models have become distorted portrayals of strength and self-sufficiency.

But here’s Jesus, the original disruptor, stepping into history not as a polished influencer but as a baby who had to learn how to walk, talk, and navigate humanity just like us. Think about that: The Creator of the universe took His first wobbly steps, probably fell, and got back up. That’s the humility of God in action.

What does this mean for us today?

It means that God isn’t looking for polished perfection; He’s looking for surrendered authenticity.

In a world that celebrates curated lives, Jesus reminds us to embrace our humanity—to acknowledge our flaws, imperfections, and need for growth. The message of the Incarnation is that God meets us in the mess, not when we’ve cleaned everything up.

Practically, this challenges us to live counter-culturally. Stop hiding behind filters, literal or metaphorical. Be real in your relationships. Share your struggles instead of masking them. Growth happens in the raw, unedited parts of life, and that’s where God works most powerfully.

Jesus didn’t come into a perfect world or a perfect situation. He stepped into brokenness and showed us that grace flourishes in imperfection. For us, this means rejecting the relentless pursuit of unattainable standards and resting in the knowledge that we are fully loved and accepted as we are. But it also means being willing to grow—not to achieve perfection, but to become more like Christ each day.

To Be or Not to Be

Now let’s talk about that word: become. It’s not a static state; it’s a process. Even Jesus had to grow in wisdom and stature, as Luke tells us. If He had to grow, how much more do we need to embrace the process of becoming? To be or not to be is more than Shakespearean angst. It’s the crossroads we face every day. Do we lean into growth, even when it’s uncomfortable, or do we retreat into the safety of the status quo?

Hamlet’s famous question, “To be or not to be,” is one of the most well-known lines in English literature. At its core, it grapples with the fundamental question of existence: Should one endure the pain and trials of life, or escape them through surrender? Hamlet was wrestling with despair, but his question invites us to consider the choices we make when faced with challenges.

This question points us directly to Jesus, who answered it in the most profound way possible.

He chose “to be.”

He chose to become flesh, to live among us, and to experience the full spectrum of human existence. He didn’t avoid pain, hunger, rejection, or even death. Jesus actively stepped into our broken world, choosing obedience to the Father’s will, surrendering His divine privileges, and fully embracing humanity. This wasn’t just a philosophical decision—it was a decisive act of love.

In the same way, we are invited to answer this question in our own lives. Will we choose “to be”? To live fully, to obey God’s call, to embrace the messy and uncomfortable process of growth and transformation? Choosing “to be” means stepping out of fear and into faith. It means surrendering control and trusting that God is weaving our trials into His redemptive story.

When we choose “to be,” we choose life—life in all its raw, unfiltered beauty and difficulty. It’s not always easy, but it’s worth it. Just as Jesus’ decision to “to be” changed the world forever, our daily decision to live fully and obediently can have a profound impact on our lives and the lives of those around us.

Growth is Messy

Here’s the thing about becoming: It’s messy. Marriage, for example, isn’t some magical union where you instantly become one. It’s a process of ironing out wrinkles—and let’s be real, some of those wrinkles feel more like tectonic plates. But over time, grace transforms two individuals into a union that reflects God’s design. The same is true in our walk with Christ. We don’t wake up one day fully practically perfect in every way. It’s a journey of grace upon grace, stumbling forward into the person God created us to be.

Real-Life Application: Three Ways to Begin

1. Stop Hiding Behind Filters: Whether literal filters on social media or the figurative masks we wear in relationships, let them go. Be honest about where you are, what you’re struggling with, and where you need God to work.

2. Embrace the Mess: Life isn’t supposed to look perfect. Growth happens when we let God into the untidy, chaotic parts of our lives. Don’t wait until you feel ready or “put together” to step into what He’s calling you to do.

3. Pursue Progress, Not Perfection: Jesus didn’t call us to flawless living but to faithful following. Focus on daily growth, trusting that His grace is sufficient for each step you take forward.

Celebrating the Process

So this Christmas, let’s not just celebrate a baby in a manger. Let’s celebrate the God who became flesh, who dwelt among us, and who invites us into the messy, glorious process of becoming. The Creator entered our story, embraced our weaknesses, and showed us that there is profound beauty in growth. Let’s step into the new year with a renewed commitment to say yes to God’s invitation to grow, transform, and become.

In the end, it’s not about where you’ve been or even where you are. It’s about where you’re becoming. Through Jesus, we are reminded that life is not a finished product but an ongoing journey. In Christ, we’re becoming something extraordinary.

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About the Author

Darren Stott is a pastor, speaker, and author with a passion for helping people embrace their identity in Christ and navigate the process of becoming who God has called them to be. He leads with humor, insight, and a deep commitment to the truth of the Gospel. If this article encouraged you, please like, comment, and share it with others who might need the reminder that God’s grace is at work in their lives.

How Poor Counseling Can Hurt Your Marriage

Welcome to the final article in our series, What to Do When Your Marriage is in Trouble. If you’ve just joined us, I encourage you to start from the beginning of the series. Each installment builds on the last, helping you create a roadmap for addressing challenges in your marriage one step at a time.

Today, we’re focusing on one of the most critical—and sometimes misunderstood—aspects of marital healing: seeking outside help.

Whether you’re facing communication breakdowns, toxic control patterns, or even navigating the complex terrain of a narcissistic spouse, involving the right third party can make all the difference. But how do you know where to start? And how do you find someone who can genuinely help? Let’s explore this in detail.

The Role of a Neutral Third Party: Pastor, Counselor, or Both?

When you realize you can’t fix things on your own, the next logical step is to involve a neutral third party. This could be a pastor, a professional counselor, or, in many cases, both. Each has a unique role to play, and understanding their strengths and limitations will help you make the most of their involvement.

Is a Pastor a Professional Counselor?

The short answer? No.

While pastors often have years of experience offering spiritual guidance, most are not trained as professional counselors. Their role is to provide biblical wisdom, pray with you, and help you explore God’s design for marriage. However, when it comes to complex dynamics like trauma, abuse, or mental health disorders, they usually lack the specialized training to dive deep into these issues.

Think of a pastor as your first responder. They’re an excellent resource for one to three visits, during which they can listen, pray, and offer biblical perspective. But after those initial sessions, it’s often best to ask for a referral. Most pastors have a network of trusted, spirit-filled, biblically-centered counselors they can recommend. This referral can bridge the gap between spiritual guidance and clinical expertise.

When Should You Transition to a Professional Counselor?

Here are some clear indicators it’s time to involve a professional counselor:

• Complex or Recurring Issues: Patterns of conflict that persist despite your best efforts.

• Trauma or Abuse: Emotional, physical, or psychological harm that requires deep healing.

• Mental Health Concerns: Anxiety, depression, addiction, or other conditions impacting one or both spouses.

• Narcissism: If one spouse exhibits manipulative or controlling behaviors, a specialized counselor is often necessary.

While pastors provide invaluable spiritual support, professional counselors offer tools, strategies, and clinical insights that are vital for addressing these deeper challenges.

Special Considerations for Narcissistic Marriages

If you’re married to a narcissist, counseling isn’t just challenging—it’s an advanced-level game of emotional chess. Narcissists are master manipulators, capable of twisting the narrative and charming even the most well-meaning counselors or pastors. Without the right guidance, the counseling process can leave you feeling more frustrated and confused than when you started.

Here’s the reality: narcissists thrive on control. They can present themselves as the victim, the hero, or the misunderstood genius, all while subtly gaslighting and deflecting blame. They may even use counseling as another stage to assert dominance. That’s why finding the right counselor—one who specializes in narcissistic abuse and high-conflict relationships—isn’t optional; it’s critical. Here’s how to make that happen:

1. Seek Referrals from Trusted Sources

Start with your pastor or church leadership. Many pastors maintain connections with Christian counselors who specialize in high-conflict marriages and abusive dynamics. But here’s the catch: not every pastor or counselor is equipped to handle narcissistic behavior. Be clear about your situation when asking for recommendations.

2. Look for Specific Expertise

Not all counselors are created equal, and in narcissistic marriages, you need someone who’s fluent in the language of manipulation. Look for counselors who explicitly list experience in narcissistic abuse, gaslighting, and high-conflict relationships. A generalist counselor might be great for communication issues, but they’re not prepared to untangle the web of control and charm a narcissist spins.

3. Ask the Right Questions

A little interview with your potential counselor can go a long way in determining if they’re the right fit. Ask them directly:

• How do you address narcissistic behaviors in a counseling session?

• What strategies do you use to ensure both spouses are heard without enabling manipulation?

• How do you integrate biblical principles with clinical practices when working with high-conflict marriages?

If they fumble these questions or give vague answers, keep looking. You need someone who isn’t intimidated by a narcissist’s bravado or tactics.

4. Protect Yourself During the Process

Narcissists are skilled at using counseling as another tool to maintain control. They may try to manipulate the sessions, twist your words, or even charm the counselor into taking their side. This is why it’s crucial to have a counselor who’s seen these tactics before and knows how to navigate them. If you feel unheard or invalidated, speak up—or consider switching counselors.

Vetting Your Pastor: Are They Equipped to Help?

If you decide to begin with your pastor, here are a few things to consider:

• Experience with Marital Issues: Ask if they’ve worked with couples facing similar challenges.

• Approach to Confidentiality: Confirm that your discussions will remain private.

• Willingness to Refer: A good pastor will know their limits and recommend professional help when necessary.

If your pastor is willing but lacks experience or training, be gracious. Thank them for their time and ask for a referral to someone with the expertise your situation requires.

How to Find a Spirit-Filled, Christian Counselor

Finding a counselor who is both clinically skilled and biblically grounded takes effort, but it’s worth it. Here’s how to start:

1. Use Trusted Resources
   Check with your church, pastor, or organizations like the American Association of Christian Counselors for recommendations.

2. Research Their Credentials
   Look for licensed professionals (LMFT, LPC, or similar) who specialize in marriage counseling. Verify their training in trauma, abuse, or high-conflict relationships if needed.

3. Pray for Discernment
   Ask God to guide you to the right person. He knows your situation better than anyone and can open doors you hadn’t considered.

Interviewing a Counselor: Making Sure It’s the Right Fit

Interviewing a Counselor: Making Sure It’s the Right Fit

When you meet a potential counselor, treat the first session like a job interview. They’re not just here to hear your feelings and nod; they’re here to guide you through some of the most complicated, emotionally charged terrain you’ll ever encounter. You’re putting your marriage on the table, and not everyone’s equipped to handle that responsibility. Let’s break down how you figure out if they’re the real deal or just a well-meaning amateur with a clipboard.

What’s Your Experience with Marital Challenges?

The first question you need to ask is: “Have you actually worked with couples like us before?” This isn’t a time for vague philosophical musings about love or humanity. You want specifics. If they’ve spent the last 20 years helping people overcome fear of public speaking, that’s great, but it won’t help you figure out why your marriage feels like a Cold War standoff.

A solid counselor should be able to explain their experience clearly. “Yes, I’ve worked with couples dealing with trust issues, communication breakdowns, and power imbalances. Here’s how I approach it.” That’s the kind of answer you’re looking for. If they start saying things like, “Well, all relationships are unique,” that’s counselor-speak for, “I have no idea what I’m doing.”

Marriage counseling is a specialized field. If you’re dealing with complex dynamics like narcissism or manipulation, you need someone who’s not just good but very good. Think of it like going to a mechanic. You wouldn’t bring your Tesla to a guy who’s only ever worked on lawnmowers.

Finding the Right Christian Counselor: Spirit-Filled, Biblically Sound, and Grounded

When looking for a counselor as a Christian, it’s essential to find someone who shares your Biblical values, and is equipped to balance spiritual truths with practical strategies.

Ask them directly: “How do you integrate biblical principles into your counseling?”

This isn’t just about knowing Bible verses—it’s about how they weave those principles into the real-world tools you need for healing and growth.

A solid Christian counselor might say, “I view marriage as a covenant before God, not just a contract. I incorporate biblical principles alongside evidence-based practices to help couples address challenges and grow closer.” This reflects a healthy balance between faith and practical application.

However, avoid extremes. Some counselors may lean too heavily into the "woo-woo" zone, where everything is left up to supernatural intervention without addressing the practical work required for change. While it’s amazing to have a Spirit-filled counselor, remember that neither the Holy Spirit nor the counselor can “supernaturally fix” the deeper patterns or “software issues” of your soul. Healing takes effort, responsibility, and intentionality from both you and your spouse.

At the same time, avoid counselors who dismiss faith entirely with comments like, “We don’t deal with religion here.” Your counselor should see your relationship as more than just a partnership—it’s a spiritual journey as well.

Ultimately, the Holy Spirit will be faithful to do what only He can do, but rebuilding your marriage requires you to step into the hard work of change.

A Christian counselor who is biblically literate, Spirit-filled, and grounded can guide you, but transformation begins when you’re ready to take responsibility and actively participate in the process.

What’s Your Strategy for Addressing Manipulative or Controlling Behaviors?

If your marriage involves manipulation or control—and let’s be honest, most relationships have a little of that—this question is critical.

Ask: “How do you address manipulative or controlling behaviors in counseling?”

This is where a counselor proves whether they’re playing checkers or chess. A good one will tell you they focus on creating a safe space, balancing power dynamics, and identifying unhealthy patterns without immediately vilifying one spouse.

A bad one might say, “We let the couple work it out together.” Well, that’s great if you’re arguing over where to eat, but if one person is gaslighting the other, “working it out” isn’t going to cut it.

A great counselor knows that manipulation thrives in ambiguity. They’ll bring clarity to the situation by calling out toxic behaviors, setting boundaries, and ensuring both partners are heard. You need someone who’s not afraid to say, “Hey, that’s not okay,” even if it ruffles some feathers.

What’s Your Approach to Confidentiality?

Confidentiality is the glue that holds counseling together. Without it, you’re just venting to a stranger who might as well livestream your sessions. So ask: “What’s your approach to confidentiality?”

A competent counselor will explain their rules upfront. Generally, everything you say stays in the room—unless there’s abuse, threats of harm, or something legally mandated.

They’ll also clarify how they handle joint sessions versus individual sessions. If one of you spills a secret during a solo session, will they keep it private or bring it up later in front of your spouse? These are things you need to know.

If their answer is vague or they seem dismissive about confidentiality, it’s a no-go. You’re here to build trust, not create more reasons to distrust the process.

What to Look For in Their Answers

When you ask these questions, pay attention to more than just the words. A good counselor’s responses should make you feel safe, understood, and hopeful. Here’s what to look for:

1. Clarity: They should explain their approach without sounding like they just Googled “marriage counseling 101.”

2. Confidence: They know what they’re doing and aren’t afraid to lay out their strategy.

3. Balance: They’re empathetic but firm, addressing issues without taking sides prematurely.

If you walk away from the session thinking, “I trust this person to help us unpack our mess without making it worse,” you’ve probably found a keeper.

Red Flags to Watch Out For in a Counselor

Finding the right counselor is like picking a mechanic for your soul. You wouldn’t trust your car to someone who says, “Let’s just pray over the engine and see what happens,” and you shouldn’t trust your marriage to someone who dodges your questions or pushes their own agenda. So, let’s dive into what to avoid:

1. Avoidance

If you ask, “How do you integrate faith into your counseling?” and they respond with, “Well, we kind of just go with the flow,” run. Fast. Vague answers are the counseling equivalent of bringing a spoon to a knife fight—they’re just not equipped for the complexity of your situation. You need someone who knows how to dive deep, not someone who’s skimming the surface.

2. Over-Siding

If your counselor immediately takes one spouse’s side—congratulations, you just paid for a referee, not a counselor. A good counselor stays neutral to help both of you uncover the truth. If they’re already picking favorites, they’re not ready to handle the dynamics of your relationship. You don’t need a cheerleader for one side; you need a coach for the whole team.

3. Dismissiveness

Picture this: You open up about a major issue, and they say, “Oh yeah, I’ve seen this a thousand times. It’s no big deal.”

Translation? They’ve either lost their passion for helping or they’re too jaded to care. If your problems feel small to them, how can they help you tackle the big stuff? You want a counselor who listens like your problems matter—because they do.

4. Too Woo-Woo

Look, it’s great to have a Spirit-filled counselor, but if their solution to every problem is “Let’s just pray about it and let God do the rest,” they’re overselling the supernatural. The Holy Spirit is powerful, no doubt, but He’s not your marriage mechanic here to fix everything while you binge Netflix. You and your spouse have to do the work. It’s not magic; it’s effort.

5. Faithless Faith

On the flip side, if they dismiss faith altogether with something like, “Oh, we don’t really get into religion here,” that’s a hard pass. You’re not looking for a lecture on cognitive behavioral therapy devoid of God; you’re looking for someone who gets that your faith is part of the solution.

Trust Your Gut

At the end of the day, you’ve got to trust your instincts. A counselor might check all the professional boxes but still not feel like the right fit for you and your spouse. And that’s okay. This is one of the most important decisions you’ll make for your marriage, so don’t settle.

If you feel safe, respected, and understood, you’re on the right track. If not, keep looking. There’s a counselor out there who’s ready to help you navigate this journey with wisdom, compassion, and a healthy dose of practicality. Don’t stop until you find them.

After all, this isn’t just about fixing what’s broken—it’s about building something better. And that’s worth the effort.

Maximizing the Counseling Process

Counseling isn’t like ordering a pizza—you can’t just show up, pay the fee, and expect all your problems to be neatly delivered with extra cheese. It’s a process that takes time, effort, and a big ol’ dose of honesty. Here’s how to make sure you’re squeezing every drop of value out of those sessions.

1. Be Transparent

This isn’t the time for polite smiles or holding back because you’re afraid of judgment. If your marriage is falling apart over toothpaste cap placement or silent treatment stand-offs, say so. A counselor can’t help with what they don’t know.

Pretending everything is fine is like taking a broken car to the mechanic and saying, “Oh, it’s just a little noise.”

Share the real struggles, your fears, and your goals—ugly parts and all. Transparency opens the door for real healing.

2. Do the Work

Counselors don’t just hand out magical advice that instantly transforms your relationship. They give you tools—assignments, exercises, and insights—that require your participation.

It’s like going to the gym: you don’t get stronger by sitting on the bench scrolling Instagram. If your counselor suggests communication exercises or journaling, don’t roll your eyes and skip it. Those little assignments are where the rubber meets the road.

3. Stay Prayerful

God’s not just a backup plan for when counseling gets hard—He’s the foundation. Pray before and after each session. Ask God to open your heart, bring clarity to the mess, and heal what’s broken.

Counseling isn’t about inviting God into just one part of the process; it’s about making Him part of the entire journey. And here’s the beauty: as you invite God in, you might find Him working not only through the counselor but in your heart, too.

4. Manage Your Expectations

This isn’t a TV drama where breakthroughs happen by the end of the episode.

Counseling takes time, and change is often slow and unglamorous. Some weeks will feel like you’re making huge strides; others, like you’re stuck in neutral. Trust the process. Healing isn’t about perfection—it’s about progress.

5. Take Responsibility

Sure, your counselor has wisdom and tools, but they aren’t your personal problem-fixer. The Holy Spirit isn’t going to swoop in and fix what you refuse to acknowledge or work on. Both you and your spouse have to take responsibility for your part in the mess. This means owning up to mistakes, apologizing, forgiving, and making changes. The counselor is your guide, not your savior.

6. Keep Showing Up

There will be days when you don’t feel like going, when it seems easier to avoid the hard conversations or just throw in the towel.

Go anyway.

Sometimes, just showing up and staying engaged is the breakthrough you didn’t know you needed.

A Final Word

Seeking outside help isn’t a sign of failure; it’s a courageous step toward healing. Whether you start with your pastor, a professional counselor, or both, the key is to find someone equipped to guide you through the unique challenges of your situation.

If you’re married to a narcissist or navigating patterns of control and manipulation, healing can feel overwhelming. But with the right support—and a firm commitment to truth—you can find freedom and restoration. God designed marriage to be a reflection of His love, not a prison of control or fear. Taking action to restore your relationship honors that design.

About Darren Stott

Darren Stott is a pastor, speaker, and senior leader of Eden Church, a movement focused on freedom, healing, and restoration. With campuses in Arlington and Newcastle, Washington, Darren is passionate about helping individuals and couples find hope and healing through biblical truth and practical wisdom.

For more resources, insights, and invitations to special events, join our email list at darrenstott.com. Let’s navigate this journey together, one step at a time.

OMG, I MARRIED DARTH VADE!!!

We’re continuing our blog series on What to Do When Your Marriage is in Trouble. If you haven’t caught the previous entries yet, do yourself a favor and go back to the beginning. Trust me—it’s worth it for the full picture, because all of these ideas build on each other.

But today, we’re diving into something serious: what to do when you realize you’re married to someone who… let’s just say it… has a bit too much in common with Darth Vader.

Surviving Darth Vader: The Straight Talk on Abuse and Control in Relationships

When it comes to relationships, there’s a lot of murky water to wade through.

A lot.

You’ve got roses, chocolates, and date nights on one side, and then on the other, you’ve got all those hard conversations, the resentments, and—let’s be honest—the outright toxicity that sometimes sneaks in the back door like a raccoon that just discovered your trash can.

Abuse in relationships? Now that’s more like a rabid raccoon that got real cozy in your kitchen. It’s there, it’s not supposed to be, and it can be pretty dangerous. So let’s talk about that raccoon.

Recognizing Narcissism and Abuse

These days, narcissism is one of the most misunderstood and overused labels in our culture. People throw the term around lightly—like calling anyone who pauses to snap a selfie 'narcissistic.' But true narcissism is far more complex and deeply rooted than this surface-level misconception.

Real narcissism isn’t just about the person who loves themselves a bit too much; it’s more like someone who loves themselves to the point they can’t stand the idea that you might also be a whole person.

If you’re in a relationship where someone’s convinced they’re the only full, complex human being in the room, while you’re basically just an accessory—well, that’s one big red flag right there.

Abuse and control in relationships are like moldy bread; once you spot it, it’s usually spread further than you think. Abuse isn’t always about black eyes and broken bones, either.

There are subtler ways it creeps in—manipulation, controlling your time and friendships, the constant belittling or gaslighting to make you feel about as substantial as a rice cake.

One day, you’re just minding your business, and the next, you’re questioning if you even have the right to choose your own friends.

Narcissists tend to be good at hiding this at first. Think of a narcissist like one of those haunted house guides who takes you by the hand and says, “Trust me, nothing to worry about!” And then BAM! You’re in a maze of emotional horror. You end up doubting your own thoughts, feeling isolated, and walking on eggshells.

It’s Not Just “Rough Times”

A big misconception, and I mean big, is that abuse can be worked through if you just try hard enough.

Like it’s just another relationship hiccup. Look, if someone’s treating you like a punching bag—whether that’s emotionally, mentally, or physically—it’s not a “tough phase.” It’s not going to just clear up like acne in your 20s. Abuse isn’t something you “get through.” It’s a violation of your safety and your dignity.

Even the Bible, the very foundation some people try to twist to defend staying in unhealthy situations, speaks against abuse.

Proverbs 10:6 says, “Blessings crown the head of the righteous, but violence overwhelms the mouth of the wicked.”

Let me be real clear here: “violence” isn’t just fists. It’s also manipulation, controlling behavior, and words that make you feel less than human.

In other words, that nagging feeling you get when someone’s treating you poorly isn’t just in your head. The Holy Spirit is sending you red alerts, and ignoring those can land you in a pretty dangerous place.

Abuse isn’t something you handle alone; it’s something that needs a reckoning, ideally from the outside.

Breaking the Cycle

Now, we’ve all heard that classic line, “Everyone deserves a second chance,” right? But when we’re talking about abuse, that second chance should come with a whole load of responsibility and transparency, not blind forgiveness.

If you’re dealing with someone who’s crossing boundaries repeatedly, forgiveness without consequence is just giving them a pass to do it all over again.

Breaking the cycle of abuse requires immediate action—and with backup.

If you’re facing physical abuse, your number one move is always to secure your safety. This is the point where you pull in the big dogs: 911, a pastor, home group leader, a counselor, a shelter, even that neighbor who lifts weights in his garage and seems to know everybody’s business.

It’s time to prioritize your well-being, remembering that caring for yourself is not selfish but a reflection of God's desire for us to steward our lives wisely. After all, we are called to love others as we love ourselves—and that begins with honoring the life God has entrusted to us.

Finding a Jedi for the Relationship Battle

Once you’re safe (or if the abuse is less physical but still harmful), the next step is seeking help with someone neutral. This isn’t a job for your best friend, who will give you biased pep talks about how your partner’s the worst person alive. What you need is someone like a pastor, a counselor, or even a mediator who can handle the situation without getting emotionally tangled. If they have experience in handling relationship abuse, even better.

Getting an unbiased third party is critical, because here’s the kicker: narcissistic or controlling partners are experts at twisting words and creating confusion. It’s hard to call out toxic behavior when you’re the only one seeing it. Bringing in a neutral party not only shines a light on the problem, but it helps cut through the manipulation and control tactics that can make you feel isolated or trapped.

Narcissists and Control Freaks Don’t Get to Call the Shots

Now, sometimes an abusive partner will tell you outright that you “better not” seek outside help. And if you’re thinking, “Well, that’s a bit suspicious,” you’re onto something.

When someone actively resists letting you speak with others, it’s usually because they know that their behavior doesn’t stand up to any kind of outside scrutiny.

If your partner’s response to your attempts at healthy intervention is to shut it down, there’s no clearer sign that something’s wrong.

Relationships don’t survive by keeping one person in the dark; they thrive on transparency, respect, and equal footing.

If your partner has a hard time with that, it’s worth considering that they may not have your best interest at heart.

Remember: they have no legal right to dictate who you can or cannot speak to about your well-being.

Whether it’s a counselor, a pastor, or a trusted professional, if you feel compelled to reach out, that’s your choice. Not theirs.

The Truth Will Set You Free

When it comes down to it, truth-telling is your ticket to freedom. Abuse and control thrive in the shadows, under layers of manipulation and guilt-tripping that keep you guessing and second-guessing.

The Bible says, “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” (John 8:32).

If you’re stuck in a loop of feeling “not enough” or “too much” all at once, that’s not your identity—that’s abuse talking. And here’s the good news: it doesn’t have to stay that way.

Practical Steps to Start Walking in Freedom

So, what do you do next? Here’s the actionable rundown:

1. Recognize the Signs of Abuse and Control

Abuse comes in many forms, and recognizing it is the first step to breaking free. Be aware of these signs:

• Gaslighting: Constantly being told, “You’re overreacting,” “That never happened,” or “You’re imagining things,” when you know the truth.

• Isolation: Being discouraged or outright prevented from seeing friends, family, or anyone who could support you.

• Physical Harm: Any form of physical aggression, intimidation, or violence, no matter how minor it may seem at first.

• Sexual Abuse: Being forced into sexual activity without your full consent or being pressured to perform acts you’re uncomfortable with, even within a marriage or relationship.

• Economic Abuse: Controlling your access to money or resources, such as withholding your paycheck, giving you an allowance, or sabotaging your ability to work or manage finances.

• Emotional Abuse: Constant criticism, belittling, name-calling, or manipulation designed to make you feel unworthy or incapable.

• Spiritual Abuse: Using your faith or beliefs to manipulate or control you, such as twisting scripture to justify their behavior or to make you feel guilty.

2. Set Clear Boundaries

Decide what behaviors you will and won’t accept, and clearly communicate them. For example:

• “I won’t engage in conversations where I’m being yelled at or demeaned.”

• “I will not cancel plans with my friends or family because you demand it.”

If your boundaries are consistently ignored or disrespected, consider it a major red flag that the relationship may be unhealthy.

3. Seek Support from Professionals

Reach out to people equipped to help you process and take next steps. This could include:

• A licensed counselor or therapist trained in dealing with abuse.

• A trusted pastor who can provide spiritual guidance and accountability.

• A mediator if you’re trying to safely navigate changes in a relationship.

Avoid solely leaning on friends or family, as their bias or lack of expertise could hinder your progress.

4. Refrain from Gossiping About Your Relationship

Instead of venting to everyone in your social circle, focus on sharing your concerns with people who can help. For example:

• Schedule a session with a counselor to work through your feelings.

• If you need prayer support, ask a pastor or trusted prayer group, rather than broadcasting your struggles to everyone.

This will prevent unnecessary drama and keep the focus on productive solutions.

5. Prioritize Your Safety—Physically and Emotionally

• If you feel physically unsafe, leave immediately and call 911 or a domestic violence hotline. For example, the National Domestic Violence Hotline in the U.S. is 800-799-SAFE (7233).

• If emotional safety is a concern, create space for yourself by minimizing contact or arranging for time apart while seeking help.

• Have a safety plan in place, like identifying trusted people who can help you leave or shelter you if necessary.

A Final Word

Abuse isn’t just “tough times.” It’s not what God intends for you, and it’s not something you were created to endure. You are not called to live under the weight of fear, shame, or control. Abuse is a violation of the worth and dignity God has given you, and it demands action, courage, and the support of His truth and love.

Breaking free from cycles of abuse, stepping away from toxic control, and reclaiming the abundant life God promises is a journey of faith and transformation. It won’t always be easy, but every boundary set, every prayer lifted, and every step forward is a testimony of God’s strength working in you. His grace will sustain you, and His love will restore you.

You are a beloved child of God, created in His image and redeemed through Christ. You are worth fighting for because God has already fought for you. He sees your pain, hears your cries, and walks beside you, offering the courage and wisdom to take the next step toward healing.

The truth will set you free, and that truth is found in God’s love. Trust in Him, lean on His promises, and allow His light to guide you out of the darkness. Your freedom is waiting, and God’s arms are open wide to welcome you into the peace and joy you deserve.

Prophecy Isn’t Just for the Prophets

Hey there, Pastor Darren here! Today, I want to share some insights about prophecy that might just shake things up for you a bit.

When we think about prophecy, most of us picture someone who’s walking up to strangers in the grocery store with a “thus saith the Lord” message or calling out obscure details in someone’s life. And while that’s one way it can happen, it’s just scratching the surface.

The nature of prophecy in the body of Christ is shifting.

It's not some high-level secret, and it’s not just for the prophets. So if you’re a prophet, hey—do your thing, be accountable to God, and I’ll cheer you on. But for everyone else, buckle up, because this message is all about you.

The Church as a Living, Breathing Entity

In Revelation, when John gets a peek into heaven, he first sees the seven golden lampstands, representing the Church (Revelation 1:12-13).

Those lampstands aren’t just decorations—they’re God’s chosen agents of action on earth. The church, His body, is the means by which God reveals Himself.

Before John sees Jesus' face, he sees the body—the Church—because it’s through the Church that God’s work is accomplished.

If the enemy can dismember the body, he can keep God’s message from shining out into the world! That’s why he goes after the church. If he can divide, discourage, or detach members, then the flow of God’s message is interrupted.

Imagine finding someone’s arm in the woods (creepy, right?). No one would look at it and say, “Hey, there’s Darren!” No! It’s just a part, separated from the whole, rendered useless and just plain unsettling. Similarly, a Christian separated from the Church can’t function in the same way as when they’re connected to the body.

In other words, the Church isn’t a building; it’s a living, breathing collection of God’s people—bound together and operating in unison. You can’t be the Church from your sofa in your PJs, just tuning into YouTube. We’re called to be knit together, to live out our faith with others. As Romans 12:5 says, “so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another.”

Redefining Prophecy

Now let’s talk about prophecy. If I asked you to think about the last time you prophesied, some of you might think of that Sunday morning when your pastor politely declined to hand you the mic. But here’s the deal—prophecy isn’t only about declaring new, mystical revelations.

One of the most neglected aspects of prophecy is found in Revelation 19:10, which says, “For the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy.”

This isn’t some “extra” for those anointed prophets; this is the bread and butter of the everyday believer.

Telling others what Jesus has done in your life is the spirit of prophecy.

When you share what He’s done in your life, it’s a powerful act of spreading His message—and it has the potential to bring transformation to others.

Living Out the Prophetic Power in Everyday Life

God has done things for you—small things, big things, quiet moments of comfort, miraculous changes—and it’s time you start talking about it!

That’s the prophetic we need more of. You don’t need to announce that “Russia is going to invade this or that,” or tell someone their last four digits of their social. What you need to do is testify to the power of Jesus that you’ve experienced.

Perhaps you’ve criticized the chaotic U.S. withdrawal from Afghanistan in August 2021, where billions of dollars in military assets were left behind—resources meant to protect and empower. But when we refuse to share our testimony, how are we any different?

God’s work in our lives is like priceless spiritual ammunition, designed to strengthen and encourage others. Each story of healing, provision, or transformation is a powerful tool, waiting to be shared. If we hold back, we’re effectively abandoning those resources, leaving them unused and unavailable.

It’s not just about giving your testimony once on a Sunday morning. No, we’re supposed to “declare His glory among the nations, His marvelous works among all the peoples!” (Psalm 96:3).

So here’s your challenge:

• Find three ways to share what Jesus has done in your life this week.

• Post about it.

• Write a blog.

• Tell a friend over coffee.

• Don’t let that testimony sit gathering dust.

God’s work in your life is alive, and it’ll never expire or lose its power.

Transformation Isn’t a Secret Formula

Another big misconception? Transformation doesn’t happen just because we say so, or even because we pray for it. There’s a faith dynamic at work, sure, but there’s also obedience.

Hebrews 11:1 reminds us, “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” Faith paired with action becomes a testimony that others can see, learn from, and follow.

What does this look like practically?

It means opening up about how you got to where you are.

Maybe it was humbling yourself, repenting, asking God to show up—and then actually letting Him do His work in you.

That’s real, raw, and it’s the kind of discipleship that builds the body of Christ.

Prophecy Is Not About Impressing Others

I think we’ve got this strange, twisted image of prophecy as something mystical or impressive—like we’ve got to “wow” people with these elaborate words from the Lord.

But the real power isn’t in the mystery; it’s in the testimony.

The testimony of Jesus is a 100% accurate prophetic word. It’s the kind that can “duplicate itself” in someone else’s life.

If you want to be 100% accurate in the prophetic, then share your story.

And don’t be stingy about it, either! Share it in all its fullness. Every detail of how God showed up is a piece of the journey that can help someone else. Tell them the doubts you wrestled with, the obedience you had to choose, and the breakthrough that came as a result. As Colossians 4:6 reminds us, “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.”

The Church Needs Transformational Prophecy

We have plenty of people saying “encouraging” things—“you got this!” and “believe in yourself!”—but that’s not necessarily prophecy. True prophecy brings life change; it’s about transformation, about showing people what God has done in you so that they believe He can do it in them, too.

Here’s the challenge: start being prophetic in every corner of your life. Show your testimony through your words, your actions, your art—whatever you have. Let the world see and experience God’s power through your story. Don’t settle for giving people empty “hope.” Give them the real deal: a story that’s true, that’s yours, that speaks of the living Jesus and His work in you.

Share Your Testimony, Share the Hope

You’ve got permission to prophesy.

Yes, you!

And I’m not just talking about tongues or deep, mind-blowing visions. I’m talking about prophesying through testimony. And don’t just share it once. Keep talking about it until people know your story so well, they can repeat it back to you. Let people know that God is alive and working.

The world is bombarded by noise and bad news. Imagine what a difference it would make if Christians flooded every platform, every space, with true stories of what God has done in their lives.

In closing, don’t be afraid to share your testimony. Don’t worry if it’s not as “flashy” as someone else’s. If God did it for you, then someone else needs to hear it.

Remember, “we overcome by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of our testimony” (Revelation 12:11).

So go ahead, be that person sharing the good news that’s better than all the noise out there.

It’s time for the Church of Jesus Christ to rise up and take every opportunity to prophesy—to speak life, truth, and transformation through the simple yet powerful testimony of Jesus.

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About Darren Stott:

Darren Stott is a pastor, speaker, and author known for his down-to-earth approach to the supernatural and prophetic within the Christian faith. As the lead pastor of Eden Church in the Seattle area, he’s committed to seeing the body of Christ live out its full, dynamic potential. His passion is to help believers embrace a lifestyle of transformation, faith, and Holy Spirit-led boldness in their everyday lives.

If you enjoyed this blog, be sure to sign up for our email updates so you don’t miss any future posts, resources, or events! Also, don’t forget to check out Darren’s latest book, Unapologetically Supernatural, where he dives deeper into living a life empowered by the Holy Spirit. You can find it on our store page at https://www.darrenstott.com/resources/unapologetically-supernatural-signed-copy.

Confrontation IN Marriage: How to Address Issues the Right Way

We’re continuing our blog series on What to Do When Your Marriage is in Trouble. If you haven’t caught the previous entries yet, do yourself a favor and go back to the beginning. Trust me—it’s worth it for the full picture, because all of these ideas build on each other.

Today’s topic: confronting your spouse directly when issues arise—and why avoiding this step can keep you trapped in cycles of resentment, gossip, and unaddressed pain.

Now, if you’re sitting there thinking, “Isn’t confrontation just picking a fight?” or “Can’t I just vent to my friends instead?”—I’ve got news for you. Confrontation, when done right, is one of the most powerful and transformative acts in any relationship.

It’s like setting a bone that’s been out of place for far too long—painful, yes, but necessary for healing. And let’s be honest—no one likes the idea of confrontation. It’s uncomfortable, it’s awkward, and it forces you to look at things you’d rather ignore. But growth happens in the discomfort. And if you want a healthy marriage, you’ve got to be willing to get uncomfortable.

Avoiding Confrontation: The Silent Killer of Marriages

Let’s start by being real about what happens when you avoid confronting issues in your marriage. Maybe your spouse says something hurtful, or they do something that crosses a boundary. You feel that gut reaction—anger, frustration, hurt—but instead of addressing it, you shove it down, bury it deep, and tell yourself, “It’s not worth the fight.”

But what happens?

That little seed of resentment starts to grow. And it doesn’t just go away because you ignore it. No, it lingers, festers, and over time, it becomes this massive wall between you and your spouse.

Let’s be clear—avoiding confrontation is like refusing to change the oil in your car. You might think you’re saving time and avoiding hassle, but eventually, the engine seizes up, and you’re stranded on the side of the road, wondering how things got so bad. You have two choices: confront the issues as they come or let them pile up until the damage is almost irreversible. And trust me, the latter option costs a lot more.

The Right Way to Confront

Now, let’s talk about how to confront your spouse the right way.

This isn’t about rolling up to your spouse with a list of grievances like you’re preparing for a courtroom drama. It’s about honest, direct communication. And here’s the thing—before you even go to your spouse, you’ve got to check yourself first. You’ve got to make sure you’re not coming in hot, swinging with all the emotions. That’s a quick way to start a fight, not solve a problem.

Here’s the approach: Own your feelings. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” or “You’re always ignoring my needs,” start with I statements. “I felt hurt when this happened,” or “I’m struggling with feeling disconnected.” Why? Because when you use “I” statements, you’re taking responsibility for your own emotions instead of placing blame. It opens the door for a conversation rather than a confrontation.

And let’s be honest—when you come at someone with, “You always…” or “You never…”, you’re pretty much lighting the fuse on a stick of dynamite. This is like showing up to a housewarming party and immediately complaining about the wallpaper—nobody’s going to listen to you after that.

NEVER Gossip ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE

Now, this is where a lot of people get it wrong, and I mean a lot.

When their spouse hurts them, instead of going directly to them, they go to their friends. They vent, they spill all the details, and they call it “getting support” or “asking for advice.” But let’s be real—that’s just a fancy way of dressing up gossip. It’s taking the issue to everyone except the one person who can actually do something about it.

Think of it this way: if you’ve got a leaky pipe, you don’t call your neighbor and complain about it. You call the plumber, the one person who can actually do something about it. They’re the one you need to have the conversation with, not your friends, not your mom, and not your coworker. And when you go to someone else before you go to your spouse, you’re not just avoiding the issue—you’re violating trust. You’re creating a divide where there should be unity.

When Confrontation Is Done Right, It’s Transformative

When you confront your spouse with honesty, humility, and a genuine desire for resolution, it opens up the opportunity for growth. You see, the goal of confrontation isn’t to “win” or to prove who’s right. It’s to address the issue, clear the air, and move forward. It’s not about winning a battle; it’s about strengthening the foundation of your relationship. And that requires a shift in mindset.

Imagine you’re in a soccer match, and your goal is to score points. The moment you start focusing on taking down your teammate instead of working together to score, you’re sabotaging your own chances of victory. It’s the same in marriage. You and your spouse are a team, and when issues arise, the point isn’t to “win” against each other but to work together to overcome the problem. You’re both on the same side—don’t lose sight of that.

The Bible’s Approach: Go Directly to Them

This isn’t just some modern relationship advice; it’s biblical wisdom. The Bible makes it clear: when someone sins against you, go to them directly (Matthew 18:15). That means, no detours to your friends, no subtle passive-aggressive comments hoping they’ll get the hint—just straightforward, honest communication.

And look, I get it. Direct confrontation is uncomfortable. It feels vulnerable, and it takes a lot of courage. But the alternative is far worse. When you avoid addressing the issue, it doesn’t go away—it grows. And instead of building intimacy and trust, you create distance and resentment.

Now, here’s an important point: when you go to your spouse, the goal is not to attack. It’s not to unload all your frustrations like you’re opening the floodgates. Approach with humility. The Bible talks about this, too—speaking the truth in love. You’re not there to accuse or to condemn. You’re there to build a bridge, not burn it.

When You Need a Neutral Third Party

But let’s say you’ve confronted your spouse. You’ve had the conversation, and it didn’t go the way you hoped. Maybe they’re not receptive. Maybe they’re defensive. At this point, you might feel stuck. This is where you bring in a neutral third party—someone like a pastor, counselor, or trusted mentor who can help mediate the situation.

And let’s clarify something here: this third party shouldn’t be your best friend from college or your neighbor who just loves hearing the latest gossip. It should be someone who has the wisdom, experience, and maturity to guide the conversation and hold both of you accountable. It’s about finding a referee who can keep things on track, not someone who’ll take sides.

When you bring in a neutral party, you’re not admitting defeat—you’re admitting that you care enough about the relationship to seek help. It’s like bringing in a coach when your game isn’t working. It doesn’t mean you’re losing; it means you’re committed to winning in the right way.

What to Do When Confrontation Isn’t Safe

If you’re in a situation where you genuinely feel threatened, do not hesitate to seek immediate help. This might mean reaching out to a trusted pastor, counselor, or, if necessary, law enforcement. This is not a time for shame or fear—it’s about your safety and well-being. The Bible is clear: no one has the right to use power or control to inflict harm. Establishing firm boundaries and taking steps to protect yourself is not only wise but necessary. It’s an act of stewardship over your own life and well-being, aligning with God’s heart for you to live in freedom and peace, not fear or oppression.

Now, it’s important to differentiate between casual misuse of the term toxic and actual unsafe or abusive situations. When confrontation isn’t safe, such as in an environment where physical or emotional abuse is present, the rules absolutely change. Safety becomes the priority, and any confrontation should take place in a controlled, protected setting.

The term toxic or the idea that "this person isn't safe" has become a trending, easy-to-use cliché. It’s a label that many people quickly learn the power of and then use as a weapon, often without much thought or discernment. If you find yourself frequently using the word toxic or phrases like not safe as a regular part of your vocabulary, it’s crucial to be cautious. Not only are you modeling this behavior to your children—who will, trust me, start using these terms liberally on just about everyone, from the Starbucks barista to the person taking their order at McDonald's—but you may also be revealing a deeper issue. When these words become habitual, it could indicate the presence of a victim mindset, a disposition that sees danger or offense where it may not actually exist. This mindset might require gentle deconstruction, rooted in solid biblical discernment, and possibly the guidance of a professional counselor.

A Call to Courage

Confrontation is necessary for growth.

It’s uncomfortable, it’s awkward, but it’s also the doorway to a stronger, healthier marriage. You can’t avoid it, and you can’t delegate it to your friends. It’s your responsibility, and it’s your opportunity.

When you confront your spouse, you’re not just addressing a problem—you’re building a bridge. You’re saying, “I value this relationship enough to have this uncomfortable conversation.” And when done with love, humility, and honesty, confrontation isn’t a wedge that drives you apart. It’s a tool that brings you closer together.

So, next time you feel that tension rising, that urge to sweep things under the rug or vent to someone else, remember this: Courage is confronting the issue head-on, trusting that God will work through the discomfort to bring about healing and growth.

And if you get it right, it’s a step that could transform not only your marriage but your life.

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ADDITIONAL RESOURCES

Need more practical help in the area of confrontation and conflict management? Here are some of my favorite books on the topic that offer valuable insights and strategies:

Fight Fair: Winning at Conflict without Losing at Love

Practice of Honor: Putting Into Daily Life the Culture of Honor by Danny Silk - This book focuses on creating a culture of honor, helping you navigate conflict while maintaining respect, love, and dignity in your relationships.

Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend - A classic that emphasizes the importance of setting healthy boundaries and provides a biblical perspective on conflict resolution.

The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande - This guide helps you apply biblical principles to resolve conflicts effectively and restore relationships in a God-honoring way.

Trusting God in Troubled Times

We’re continuing our blog series on What to Do When Your Marriage is in Trouble. If you haven’t caught the previous entries yet, do yourself a favor and go back to the beginning. Trust me—it’s worth it for the full picture, because all of these ideas build on each other.

Today, we’re tackling one of the most foundational, yet most difficult, steps in the process: trusting God, no matter the outcome. Now, if you’re here looking for the quick fix to mend your marriage or a guaranteed path to happily ever after, this may not be what you want to hear—but it’s exactly what you need. Trust is the bedrock of any relationship, not just with your spouse, but with God. And before you can move forward, you need to settle in your heart that your trust in God isn’t tied to the outcome of your situation. It’s deeper than that.

So, let's get real. Trusting God when things are falling apart around you isn’t just an option—it’s the only way forward if you want true peace, no matter what happens next.

When your marriage is hanging by a thread, every moment feels heavy.

There's this weight—a kind of silent panic—that rests on your shoulders, not knowing if everything you've built is about to come crashing down. And that panic? It can consume you. This is why we need to address something profound, something foundational. Because before you even begin to think about fixing your marriage, before the late-night talks, the therapy sessions, and the apologies, there’s a more urgent issue at hand: Can you trust God regardless of the outcome?

This is important because it gets to the heart of where your hope really lies. If you’re placing all your hope in your spouse, in the restoration of your relationship, or in a specific resolution, then you’re setting yourself up for a potentially devastating fall. But if you place your trust in something greater, in someone greater, then no matter what happens, you will be okay. That's the promise we cling to. In a world where we scramble for guarantees, the most important guarantee is the one no one seems to talk about—trusting God without knowing how things will turn out. And yes, it’s uncomfortable. But it’s necessary.

A Commitment Without Conditions

So here’s the deal—you’ve got to make a decision. Now. Not after your spouse apologizes. Not after things magically improve. But right now, while things are still unresolved and chaotic, you need to decide: Will you trust God no matter what happens?

This isn’t some motivational pep talk. This is life-altering stuff. Trusting God without conditions is hard. It's counterintuitive. We’re used to trusting as long as we have control over the outcome, right? But true trust means letting go, surrendering your need to control the narrative. It’s about handing over the reigns, even when you’re terrified about where this ride is going.

You’ve got to draw that line in the sand today. You have to declare, "No matter what happens, I will trust the Lord." Because if you wait until you know how things will end, then it’s not really trust—it’s just delayed anxiety. Trust means committing yourself to God before you see how things will play out. It means anchoring yourself in the only thing that will never change, the only one who is truly in control.

What If Things Don’t Go the Way You Want?

And let’s be honest here—things might not turn out the way you want them to. You could be praying for a miracle, hoping for reconciliation, believing for healing—and it still might not happen. I’m not saying that to discourage you, but to prepare you. You need to know that trusting God isn’t about getting the results you want. It’s about knowing that He is good, even when the situation isn’t.

Imagine standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down at uncertainty. You’ve been told to jump, to trust that God will catch you. But what if you’re thinking, “What if He doesn’t catch me? What if I fall? What if I get hurt?” That’s the real fear, isn’t it? That God will let you down. That you’ll trust, and things still won’t turn out. But here’s the thing—trusting God isn’t about being safe from pain. It’s about knowing that even if you fall, He’s there with you in the fall. That is faith. That is trust.

Think about Job’s prayer in the Bible: “Even if you slay me, I will trust you.” Job had lost everything—his family, his wealth, his health—everything. And yet, he still trusted God. That’s the kind of faith we’re talking about. Not the kind that depends on things going well, but the kind that endures through the worst of it.

Conditional Faith is No Faith at All

Too often, we approach God with conditional faith. We say things like, “God, if you fix this, I’ll trust you more,” or “If you answer this prayer, then I’ll know you’re real.” But here’s the hard truth—that’s not trust. That’s a transaction. And God doesn’t operate in the realm of bargains. His faithfulness isn’t dependent on whether things go the way you want them to. And your faith shouldn’t be, either.

True trust in God means letting go of the bargaining chips. It’s releasing your need for guarantees and outcomes, and simply saying, “No matter what happens, I will trust You.” It’s not easy. In fact, it’s terrifying. But if you don’t make that commitment now, then when the tough times come—and they will—you’ll crumble under the weight of your own expectations.

It’s like planting a tree. You don’t see the fruit overnight. You don’t know how long it will take to grow, or if it will even grow the way you expect. But you plant it anyway, you water it, you care for it, trusting that in time, it will bear fruit. That’s what trust in God looks like. You plant your faith in Him, without knowing how things will turn out, and you trust that He will bring forth something good—even if it’s not what you originally expected.

The Danger of Blaming God

Let’s get real for a second—when things don’t go the way we want, we tend to blame God. We say things like, “God, where were You? Why didn’t You fix this? Why did You let this happen?” But here’s the reality: God is not to blame for the mess we’re in. We live in a broken world, filled with broken people, and sometimes, life just goes sideways. But blaming God is the quickest way to distance yourself from the very One who can help you through it.

You see, we’re often quick to shake our fists at the heavens when things go wrong, but slow to examine our own hearts. And that’s the root of the problem, isn’t it? It’s easier to point fingers than it is to look inward. But trust me when I say that the healing process starts when you stop blaming God and start trusting Him, regardless of the outcome.

Taking Ownership of Your Own Chaos

Here’s another hard truth—before you can even think about fixing your marriage, you need to take ownership of your own chaos. You can’t sweep things under the rug forever. Eventually, the mess will spill out, and you’ll have to face it. So, own the mess. Own the fear, the shame, the control issues that are wreaking havoc on your heart. Acknowledge the chaos before you, and bring it before God.

It’s easy to point out the flaws in your spouse, but healing begins when you address the issues in your own heart. And that starts with trusting God enough to say, “No matter what happens, I will serve You. I will love You. I will trust You.”

Trust is a Process, Not a Quick Fix

Let’s be clear—trusting God is a process. It’s not a one-time decision that makes everything magically better. It’s a daily choice, a continuous surrender. Every day, you’ll have to remind yourself, “I trust You, Lord, no matter what.” Some days, it will be easy. Other days, it will feel like the hardest thing you’ve ever done. But here’s the good news: God is with you in the process.

It’s like working out. You don’t see the results right away, but you keep going, because you know that over time, things will change. You may not see it, but God is at work in your life, even when the circumstances around you seem unchanged. Trust the process, even when you don’t see immediate results.

The Final Call: Trusting in the Unknown

So, here’s where we land. Can you trust God before you see the outcome? Can you trust Him enough to let go of the need for guarantees, to release control over how things turn out? This is the moment where you decide, not just for your marriage, but for your life—will you trust God, no matter what happens?

Because that’s the key. Not the outcome, but the trust. It’s the kind of trust that sets you free from the anxiety of not knowing what’s coming next. It’s the trust that brings peace in the middle of uncertainty. It’s the trust that says, “Even if things don’t go my way, I know that God is still good.”

And that trust? It’s not just powerful. It’s life-changing.

Releasing Control

Welcome back!

We’re continuing our blog series on What to Do When Your Marriage is in Trouble. If you haven’t caught the previous entries yet, do yourself a favor and go back to the beginning.

Trust me—it’s worth it for the full picture, because all of these ideas build on each other.

Today, we’re tackling a big one: control.

[Insert dramatic soundtrack here: BUM BUM BUMMMMMMMM!]

If you’re like most of us, you’ve probably tried to control a situation or two—or maybe you’ve tried to control everything, from the way the towels are folded to your spouse’s behavior. And, surprise surprise, it hasn’t worked out so well. That’s because control is a sneaky thing. It makes you think you’re fixing something, when in reality, you’re just tightening the leash on a relationship that should be about love, trust, and freedom.

It’s important to note that this issue of control isn’t gender-specific. Both men and women can struggle with this, and often for different reasons.

Maybe you think you’re helping by organizing your partner’s schedule, or perhaps you step in when you feel like you’re more “capable.” Either way, the result is the same—an imbalance that leaves both partners feeling drained.

So, how do we let go of control? How do we trust instead of trying to manipulate every little detail in our marriages? We’re going to break this down step by step.

Step 1: Accept the Fact That You’re Not Actually in Control

This is where it all begins—admitting you’re not actually in control.

That might sound simple, but it’s one of the hardest things to do. You might think you’re just “organizing” or “helping things go smoother,” but if we’re being real, those are often just fancy ways of saying, “I’m making sure things go my way.”

For men, this might look like over-managing finances or dictating how certain tasks are done around the house.

For women, it could be rearranging the dishwasher after it’s loaded or frequently offering “helpful” reminders. Whatever form it takes, control can creep into a marriage like an uninvited houseguest, slowly taking over.

Proverbs 16:9 tells us, “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.”

Here’s the truth: we’re never really in control, not in the big sense. Sure, we can make plans, fold laundry a certain way, or send out reminders, but at the end of the day, only God can direct the true course of our lives. And guess what? That includes your spouse.

Control is Exhausting—For Both of You

The problem with trying to control everything is that it’s downright exhausting. It’s like being a one-person orchestra where you’re expected to play all the instruments simultaneously. You think you’re managing everything, but in reality, you’re out of tune and out of energy.

Here’s a scenario. You want everything to go smoothly, so you plan every last detail of your week. You create color-coded schedules for the family, you remind your spouse multiple times about dinner plans, and you get frustrated when things don’t go according to your master plan. Then, instead of helping, your spouse gets distant. They stop engaging because, frankly, who wants to feel micromanaged in their own home?

This can happen regardless of whether you’re a husband or a wife. Over-managing details can cause your spouse to pull away, feeling less engaged or even resentful, and in turn, you both end up feeling worn out.

Matthew 11:28 says, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Control adds weight, both to your relationship and to your own heart. Letting go of that need to manage every detail is the first step towards finding real rest.

Step 2: Letting Go of the Outcome

Here’s where things get tricky. Letting go of control means letting go of the outcome. This is the part that freaks most people out.

If you’re not pulling the strings, who is?

What if things go wrong?

What if your spouse makes a decision you don’t agree with?

What if—gasp—they mess up?

And now comes the uncomfortable truth: that’s okay!

Part of being in a relationship, especially a marriage, is trusting your spouse enough to let them make mistakes. It’s trusting them enough to let them take responsibility for their own actions without you stepping in to “fix” everything. It’s realizing that love and control don’t go hand in hand.

1 Corinthians 13:7 says, “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

Notice what’s not on that list?

Love doesn’t control all things.

Love gives freedom, even when it’s uncomfortable, even when it means things don’t go perfectly according to plan.

Whether you're a husband or a wife, trying to control every outcome in your marriage is like holding your partner’s arm behind their back instead of gently holding their hand. One is a partnership. The other is force, and force isn’t love.

Step 3: Trust is Not Passive—It’s Active

Now, some of you might be thinking, But if I let go of control, won’t everything fall apart?

I get it. Letting go feels risky. It feels passive. But trust me, it’s not. Trust isn’t sitting back and doing nothing.

Trust is actively choosing to let God and your spouse step up without you orchestrating every move.

Psalm 37:5 says, “Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act.” Trust is active because it involves a decision.

And you know what’s funny? When you stop trying to control everything, you might find that your spouse rises to the occasion. Whether you're a man or a woman, giving your partner space allows them to step up. Maybe they load the dishwasher “wrong,” but they start taking on more responsibility in areas you never even asked for. Maybe they don’t handle a situation the way you would have, but they figure it out on their own—and your marriage grows stronger because of it.

Why Letting Go of Control Leads to Real Freedom

Here’s the bottom line: letting go of control leads to real freedom, not just for your spouse but for you.

When you stop micromanaging every aspect of your relationship, you give both of you space to grow, to learn, and to love without the constant pressure of perfection.

Galatians 5:1 says, “For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.”

Control is a yoke—it’s heavy, restrictive, and it keeps you and your spouse from experiencing the true freedom God intended for your marriage.

The Freedom in Letting Go

So, where does this leave us?

Letting go of control isn’t about doing nothing—it’s about trusting God, trusting your spouse, and trusting that things will work out, even when they don’t go exactly according to your plan.

It’s about releasing that tight grip you have on the outcome and letting real love—trusting, freeing, and imperfect love—take its place.

As you move forward, ask yourself, “Where am I holding too tightly? Where can I give my spouse more freedom, and myself more peace?” It won’t happen overnight, but as you start to release control, you’ll find that what comes in its place is so much more fulfilling.

Stay tuned for more insights in this series, and if you’re looking for additional resources or support, check out darrenstott.com.