The Three Kinds of People Who Never Rebuild

Some people never rebuild. Not because they can’t. Not because the opportunity isn’t there. Not because they don’t have what it takes.

They never rebuild because they never get past themselves.

When the walls of their life collapse—whether it’s their marriage, their business, their spiritual life, or their confidence—they don’t respond like Nehemiah. They don’t inspect the damage and strategize a way forward.

Instead, they fall into one of three patterns that guarantee failure.

1. The Denial Dude: "Nothing to See Here"

Denial is comfortable. It lets you pretend that the cracks in the foundation don’t exist. It convinces you that if you ignore the problem long enough, it will go away on its own.

It never does.

The Denial Dude says things like:

• "It’s just a rough patch." (Even though it’s been years.)

• "Things will get better soon." (But they never do.)

• "I’m fine." (Even though everyone around them knows they aren’t.)

Denial isn’t just avoidance—it’s an act of self-sabotage. It lets problems fester until they become impossible to ignore. By the time reality finally forces its way in, the damage is catastrophic.

Nehemiah could have chosen denial. He could have convinced himself that Jerusalem’s walls weren’t that bad. That the rumors were exaggerated. That someone else would fix it.

Instead, he inspected the ruins himself. He faced the truth before the truth crushed him.

2. The Overwhelmed Observer: "It’s Too Late"

On the opposite end of the spectrum is the Overwhelmed Observer—the person who sees the ruins but is paralyzed by them.

• "This is impossible."

• "There’s no way forward."

• "It’s too far gone."

They don’t ignore reality. In fact, they stare at it so intently that it consumes them.

Instead of denial, they drown in despair. Instead of refusing to see the problem, they fixate on it until it crushes them. They become convinced that because they can’t fix everything, they shouldn’t fix anything.

The truth? Every great rebuild started with one brick.

Nehemiah saw the devastation firsthand. He knew exactly how bad it was. But he didn’t spiral into hopelessness—he made a plan. He took one step. And then another.

Rebuilders aren’t naive optimists. They don’t pretend things aren’t bad. They just refuse to let “bad” become “permanent.”

3. The Know-It-All Builder: "No Need to Assess—Let’s Go!"

The third type? The Know-It-All Builder—the person who jumps into action before they understand what they’re dealing with.

They don’t inspect. They don’t assess. They don’t ask questions.

They assume they already know everything and start fixing the wrong problems.

• The couple in a struggling marriage who thinks a vacation will solve their issues—when the real problem is years of unresolved resentment.

• The entrepreneur whose business is failing, but instead of evaluating their leadership, they just double their marketing budget.

• The pastor who assumes their church isn’t growing because of culture—when the real issue is poor leadership.

Wasted effort is just as dangerous as no effort at all.

Nehemiah didn’t rush. He inspected the walls himself before making a move. He spent three days gathering information before he even spoke to anyone. Because real rebuilding requires real strategy.

Why This Matters for You

You’re either rebuilding something right now or you will be soon.

If you’re human, things break.

The difference between the people who restore what was lost and those who don’t comes down to this:

• Denial Dude never starts because he refuses to see the problem.

• The Overwhelmed Observer never starts because the problem looks too big.

• The Know-It-All Builder starts in the wrong direction and wastes years chasing the wrong thing.

But Nehemiah?

• He saw clearly—without denial or despair.

• He made a plan—without rushing into empty action.

• He rebuilt strategically—one brick at a time.

The question is: Which one are you?

If you’re stuck in denial, wake up. If you’re stuck in despair, take one step. If you’re rushing forward without clarity, stop and reassess.

Because the people who rebuild—the people who actually restore what’s broken—aren’t the ones who just believe things will get better.

They’re the ones who face reality and move forward anyway.

How Poor Counseling Can Hurt Your Marriage

Welcome to the final article in our series, What to Do When Your Marriage is in Trouble. If you’ve just joined us, I encourage you to start from the beginning of the series. Each installment builds on the last, helping you create a roadmap for addressing challenges in your marriage one step at a time.

Today, we’re focusing on one of the most critical—and sometimes misunderstood—aspects of marital healing: seeking outside help.

Whether you’re facing communication breakdowns, toxic control patterns, or even navigating the complex terrain of a narcissistic spouse, involving the right third party can make all the difference. But how do you know where to start? And how do you find someone who can genuinely help? Let’s explore this in detail.

The Role of a Neutral Third Party: Pastor, Counselor, or Both?

When you realize you can’t fix things on your own, the next logical step is to involve a neutral third party. This could be a pastor, a professional counselor, or, in many cases, both. Each has a unique role to play, and understanding their strengths and limitations will help you make the most of their involvement.

Is a Pastor a Professional Counselor?

The short answer? No.

While pastors often have years of experience offering spiritual guidance, most are not trained as professional counselors. Their role is to provide biblical wisdom, pray with you, and help you explore God’s design for marriage. However, when it comes to complex dynamics like trauma, abuse, or mental health disorders, they usually lack the specialized training to dive deep into these issues.

Think of a pastor as your first responder. They’re an excellent resource for one to three visits, during which they can listen, pray, and offer biblical perspective. But after those initial sessions, it’s often best to ask for a referral. Most pastors have a network of trusted, spirit-filled, biblically-centered counselors they can recommend. This referral can bridge the gap between spiritual guidance and clinical expertise.

When Should You Transition to a Professional Counselor?

Here are some clear indicators it’s time to involve a professional counselor:

• Complex or Recurring Issues: Patterns of conflict that persist despite your best efforts.

• Trauma or Abuse: Emotional, physical, or psychological harm that requires deep healing.

• Mental Health Concerns: Anxiety, depression, addiction, or other conditions impacting one or both spouses.

• Narcissism: If one spouse exhibits manipulative or controlling behaviors, a specialized counselor is often necessary.

While pastors provide invaluable spiritual support, professional counselors offer tools, strategies, and clinical insights that are vital for addressing these deeper challenges.

Special Considerations for Narcissistic Marriages

If you’re married to a narcissist, counseling isn’t just challenging—it’s an advanced-level game of emotional chess. Narcissists are master manipulators, capable of twisting the narrative and charming even the most well-meaning counselors or pastors. Without the right guidance, the counseling process can leave you feeling more frustrated and confused than when you started.

Here’s the reality: narcissists thrive on control. They can present themselves as the victim, the hero, or the misunderstood genius, all while subtly gaslighting and deflecting blame. They may even use counseling as another stage to assert dominance. That’s why finding the right counselor—one who specializes in narcissistic abuse and high-conflict relationships—isn’t optional; it’s critical. Here’s how to make that happen:

1. Seek Referrals from Trusted Sources

Start with your pastor or church leadership. Many pastors maintain connections with Christian counselors who specialize in high-conflict marriages and abusive dynamics. But here’s the catch: not every pastor or counselor is equipped to handle narcissistic behavior. Be clear about your situation when asking for recommendations.

2. Look for Specific Expertise

Not all counselors are created equal, and in narcissistic marriages, you need someone who’s fluent in the language of manipulation. Look for counselors who explicitly list experience in narcissistic abuse, gaslighting, and high-conflict relationships. A generalist counselor might be great for communication issues, but they’re not prepared to untangle the web of control and charm a narcissist spins.

3. Ask the Right Questions

A little interview with your potential counselor can go a long way in determining if they’re the right fit. Ask them directly:

• How do you address narcissistic behaviors in a counseling session?

• What strategies do you use to ensure both spouses are heard without enabling manipulation?

• How do you integrate biblical principles with clinical practices when working with high-conflict marriages?

If they fumble these questions or give vague answers, keep looking. You need someone who isn’t intimidated by a narcissist’s bravado or tactics.

4. Protect Yourself During the Process

Narcissists are skilled at using counseling as another tool to maintain control. They may try to manipulate the sessions, twist your words, or even charm the counselor into taking their side. This is why it’s crucial to have a counselor who’s seen these tactics before and knows how to navigate them. If you feel unheard or invalidated, speak up—or consider switching counselors.

Vetting Your Pastor: Are They Equipped to Help?

If you decide to begin with your pastor, here are a few things to consider:

• Experience with Marital Issues: Ask if they’ve worked with couples facing similar challenges.

• Approach to Confidentiality: Confirm that your discussions will remain private.

• Willingness to Refer: A good pastor will know their limits and recommend professional help when necessary.

If your pastor is willing but lacks experience or training, be gracious. Thank them for their time and ask for a referral to someone with the expertise your situation requires.

How to Find a Spirit-Filled, Christian Counselor

Finding a counselor who is both clinically skilled and biblically grounded takes effort, but it’s worth it. Here’s how to start:

1. Use Trusted Resources
   Check with your church, pastor, or organizations like the American Association of Christian Counselors for recommendations.

2. Research Their Credentials
   Look for licensed professionals (LMFT, LPC, or similar) who specialize in marriage counseling. Verify their training in trauma, abuse, or high-conflict relationships if needed.

3. Pray for Discernment
   Ask God to guide you to the right person. He knows your situation better than anyone and can open doors you hadn’t considered.

Interviewing a Counselor: Making Sure It’s the Right Fit

Interviewing a Counselor: Making Sure It’s the Right Fit

When you meet a potential counselor, treat the first session like a job interview. They’re not just here to hear your feelings and nod; they’re here to guide you through some of the most complicated, emotionally charged terrain you’ll ever encounter. You’re putting your marriage on the table, and not everyone’s equipped to handle that responsibility. Let’s break down how you figure out if they’re the real deal or just a well-meaning amateur with a clipboard.

What’s Your Experience with Marital Challenges?

The first question you need to ask is: “Have you actually worked with couples like us before?” This isn’t a time for vague philosophical musings about love or humanity. You want specifics. If they’ve spent the last 20 years helping people overcome fear of public speaking, that’s great, but it won’t help you figure out why your marriage feels like a Cold War standoff.

A solid counselor should be able to explain their experience clearly. “Yes, I’ve worked with couples dealing with trust issues, communication breakdowns, and power imbalances. Here’s how I approach it.” That’s the kind of answer you’re looking for. If they start saying things like, “Well, all relationships are unique,” that’s counselor-speak for, “I have no idea what I’m doing.”

Marriage counseling is a specialized field. If you’re dealing with complex dynamics like narcissism or manipulation, you need someone who’s not just good but very good. Think of it like going to a mechanic. You wouldn’t bring your Tesla to a guy who’s only ever worked on lawnmowers.

Finding the Right Christian Counselor: Spirit-Filled, Biblically Sound, and Grounded

When looking for a counselor as a Christian, it’s essential to find someone who shares your Biblical values, and is equipped to balance spiritual truths with practical strategies.

Ask them directly: “How do you integrate biblical principles into your counseling?”

This isn’t just about knowing Bible verses—it’s about how they weave those principles into the real-world tools you need for healing and growth.

A solid Christian counselor might say, “I view marriage as a covenant before God, not just a contract. I incorporate biblical principles alongside evidence-based practices to help couples address challenges and grow closer.” This reflects a healthy balance between faith and practical application.

However, avoid extremes. Some counselors may lean too heavily into the "woo-woo" zone, where everything is left up to supernatural intervention without addressing the practical work required for change. While it’s amazing to have a Spirit-filled counselor, remember that neither the Holy Spirit nor the counselor can “supernaturally fix” the deeper patterns or “software issues” of your soul. Healing takes effort, responsibility, and intentionality from both you and your spouse.

At the same time, avoid counselors who dismiss faith entirely with comments like, “We don’t deal with religion here.” Your counselor should see your relationship as more than just a partnership—it’s a spiritual journey as well.

Ultimately, the Holy Spirit will be faithful to do what only He can do, but rebuilding your marriage requires you to step into the hard work of change.

A Christian counselor who is biblically literate, Spirit-filled, and grounded can guide you, but transformation begins when you’re ready to take responsibility and actively participate in the process.

What’s Your Strategy for Addressing Manipulative or Controlling Behaviors?

If your marriage involves manipulation or control—and let’s be honest, most relationships have a little of that—this question is critical.

Ask: “How do you address manipulative or controlling behaviors in counseling?”

This is where a counselor proves whether they’re playing checkers or chess. A good one will tell you they focus on creating a safe space, balancing power dynamics, and identifying unhealthy patterns without immediately vilifying one spouse.

A bad one might say, “We let the couple work it out together.” Well, that’s great if you’re arguing over where to eat, but if one person is gaslighting the other, “working it out” isn’t going to cut it.

A great counselor knows that manipulation thrives in ambiguity. They’ll bring clarity to the situation by calling out toxic behaviors, setting boundaries, and ensuring both partners are heard. You need someone who’s not afraid to say, “Hey, that’s not okay,” even if it ruffles some feathers.

What’s Your Approach to Confidentiality?

Confidentiality is the glue that holds counseling together. Without it, you’re just venting to a stranger who might as well livestream your sessions. So ask: “What’s your approach to confidentiality?”

A competent counselor will explain their rules upfront. Generally, everything you say stays in the room—unless there’s abuse, threats of harm, or something legally mandated.

They’ll also clarify how they handle joint sessions versus individual sessions. If one of you spills a secret during a solo session, will they keep it private or bring it up later in front of your spouse? These are things you need to know.

If their answer is vague or they seem dismissive about confidentiality, it’s a no-go. You’re here to build trust, not create more reasons to distrust the process.

What to Look For in Their Answers

When you ask these questions, pay attention to more than just the words. A good counselor’s responses should make you feel safe, understood, and hopeful. Here’s what to look for:

1. Clarity: They should explain their approach without sounding like they just Googled “marriage counseling 101.”

2. Confidence: They know what they’re doing and aren’t afraid to lay out their strategy.

3. Balance: They’re empathetic but firm, addressing issues without taking sides prematurely.

If you walk away from the session thinking, “I trust this person to help us unpack our mess without making it worse,” you’ve probably found a keeper.

Red Flags to Watch Out For in a Counselor

Finding the right counselor is like picking a mechanic for your soul. You wouldn’t trust your car to someone who says, “Let’s just pray over the engine and see what happens,” and you shouldn’t trust your marriage to someone who dodges your questions or pushes their own agenda. So, let’s dive into what to avoid:

1. Avoidance

If you ask, “How do you integrate faith into your counseling?” and they respond with, “Well, we kind of just go with the flow,” run. Fast. Vague answers are the counseling equivalent of bringing a spoon to a knife fight—they’re just not equipped for the complexity of your situation. You need someone who knows how to dive deep, not someone who’s skimming the surface.

2. Over-Siding

If your counselor immediately takes one spouse’s side—congratulations, you just paid for a referee, not a counselor. A good counselor stays neutral to help both of you uncover the truth. If they’re already picking favorites, they’re not ready to handle the dynamics of your relationship. You don’t need a cheerleader for one side; you need a coach for the whole team.

3. Dismissiveness

Picture this: You open up about a major issue, and they say, “Oh yeah, I’ve seen this a thousand times. It’s no big deal.”

Translation? They’ve either lost their passion for helping or they’re too jaded to care. If your problems feel small to them, how can they help you tackle the big stuff? You want a counselor who listens like your problems matter—because they do.

4. Too Woo-Woo

Look, it’s great to have a Spirit-filled counselor, but if their solution to every problem is “Let’s just pray about it and let God do the rest,” they’re overselling the supernatural. The Holy Spirit is powerful, no doubt, but He’s not your marriage mechanic here to fix everything while you binge Netflix. You and your spouse have to do the work. It’s not magic; it’s effort.

5. Faithless Faith

On the flip side, if they dismiss faith altogether with something like, “Oh, we don’t really get into religion here,” that’s a hard pass. You’re not looking for a lecture on cognitive behavioral therapy devoid of God; you’re looking for someone who gets that your faith is part of the solution.

Trust Your Gut

At the end of the day, you’ve got to trust your instincts. A counselor might check all the professional boxes but still not feel like the right fit for you and your spouse. And that’s okay. This is one of the most important decisions you’ll make for your marriage, so don’t settle.

If you feel safe, respected, and understood, you’re on the right track. If not, keep looking. There’s a counselor out there who’s ready to help you navigate this journey with wisdom, compassion, and a healthy dose of practicality. Don’t stop until you find them.

After all, this isn’t just about fixing what’s broken—it’s about building something better. And that’s worth the effort.

Maximizing the Counseling Process

Counseling isn’t like ordering a pizza—you can’t just show up, pay the fee, and expect all your problems to be neatly delivered with extra cheese. It’s a process that takes time, effort, and a big ol’ dose of honesty. Here’s how to make sure you’re squeezing every drop of value out of those sessions.

1. Be Transparent

This isn’t the time for polite smiles or holding back because you’re afraid of judgment. If your marriage is falling apart over toothpaste cap placement or silent treatment stand-offs, say so. A counselor can’t help with what they don’t know.

Pretending everything is fine is like taking a broken car to the mechanic and saying, “Oh, it’s just a little noise.”

Share the real struggles, your fears, and your goals—ugly parts and all. Transparency opens the door for real healing.

2. Do the Work

Counselors don’t just hand out magical advice that instantly transforms your relationship. They give you tools—assignments, exercises, and insights—that require your participation.

It’s like going to the gym: you don’t get stronger by sitting on the bench scrolling Instagram. If your counselor suggests communication exercises or journaling, don’t roll your eyes and skip it. Those little assignments are where the rubber meets the road.

3. Stay Prayerful

God’s not just a backup plan for when counseling gets hard—He’s the foundation. Pray before and after each session. Ask God to open your heart, bring clarity to the mess, and heal what’s broken.

Counseling isn’t about inviting God into just one part of the process; it’s about making Him part of the entire journey. And here’s the beauty: as you invite God in, you might find Him working not only through the counselor but in your heart, too.

4. Manage Your Expectations

This isn’t a TV drama where breakthroughs happen by the end of the episode.

Counseling takes time, and change is often slow and unglamorous. Some weeks will feel like you’re making huge strides; others, like you’re stuck in neutral. Trust the process. Healing isn’t about perfection—it’s about progress.

5. Take Responsibility

Sure, your counselor has wisdom and tools, but they aren’t your personal problem-fixer. The Holy Spirit isn’t going to swoop in and fix what you refuse to acknowledge or work on. Both you and your spouse have to take responsibility for your part in the mess. This means owning up to mistakes, apologizing, forgiving, and making changes. The counselor is your guide, not your savior.

6. Keep Showing Up

There will be days when you don’t feel like going, when it seems easier to avoid the hard conversations or just throw in the towel.

Go anyway.

Sometimes, just showing up and staying engaged is the breakthrough you didn’t know you needed.

A Final Word

Seeking outside help isn’t a sign of failure; it’s a courageous step toward healing. Whether you start with your pastor, a professional counselor, or both, the key is to find someone equipped to guide you through the unique challenges of your situation.

If you’re married to a narcissist or navigating patterns of control and manipulation, healing can feel overwhelming. But with the right support—and a firm commitment to truth—you can find freedom and restoration. God designed marriage to be a reflection of His love, not a prison of control or fear. Taking action to restore your relationship honors that design.

About Darren Stott

Darren Stott is a pastor, speaker, and senior leader of Eden Church, a movement focused on freedom, healing, and restoration. With campuses in Arlington and Newcastle, Washington, Darren is passionate about helping individuals and couples find hope and healing through biblical truth and practical wisdom.

For more resources, insights, and invitations to special events, join our email list at darrenstott.com. Let’s navigate this journey together, one step at a time.

OMG, I MARRIED DARTH VADE!!!

We’re continuing our blog series on What to Do When Your Marriage is in Trouble. If you haven’t caught the previous entries yet, do yourself a favor and go back to the beginning. Trust me—it’s worth it for the full picture, because all of these ideas build on each other.

But today, we’re diving into something serious: what to do when you realize you’re married to someone who… let’s just say it… has a bit too much in common with Darth Vader.

Surviving Darth Vader: The Straight Talk on Abuse and Control in Relationships

When it comes to relationships, there’s a lot of murky water to wade through.

A lot.

You’ve got roses, chocolates, and date nights on one side, and then on the other, you’ve got all those hard conversations, the resentments, and—let’s be honest—the outright toxicity that sometimes sneaks in the back door like a raccoon that just discovered your trash can.

Abuse in relationships? Now that’s more like a rabid raccoon that got real cozy in your kitchen. It’s there, it’s not supposed to be, and it can be pretty dangerous. So let’s talk about that raccoon.

Recognizing Narcissism and Abuse

These days, narcissism is one of the most misunderstood and overused labels in our culture. People throw the term around lightly—like calling anyone who pauses to snap a selfie 'narcissistic.' But true narcissism is far more complex and deeply rooted than this surface-level misconception.

Real narcissism isn’t just about the person who loves themselves a bit too much; it’s more like someone who loves themselves to the point they can’t stand the idea that you might also be a whole person.

If you’re in a relationship where someone’s convinced they’re the only full, complex human being in the room, while you’re basically just an accessory—well, that’s one big red flag right there.

Abuse and control in relationships are like moldy bread; once you spot it, it’s usually spread further than you think. Abuse isn’t always about black eyes and broken bones, either.

There are subtler ways it creeps in—manipulation, controlling your time and friendships, the constant belittling or gaslighting to make you feel about as substantial as a rice cake.

One day, you’re just minding your business, and the next, you’re questioning if you even have the right to choose your own friends.

Narcissists tend to be good at hiding this at first. Think of a narcissist like one of those haunted house guides who takes you by the hand and says, “Trust me, nothing to worry about!” And then BAM! You’re in a maze of emotional horror. You end up doubting your own thoughts, feeling isolated, and walking on eggshells.

It’s Not Just “Rough Times”

A big misconception, and I mean big, is that abuse can be worked through if you just try hard enough.

Like it’s just another relationship hiccup. Look, if someone’s treating you like a punching bag—whether that’s emotionally, mentally, or physically—it’s not a “tough phase.” It’s not going to just clear up like acne in your 20s. Abuse isn’t something you “get through.” It’s a violation of your safety and your dignity.

Even the Bible, the very foundation some people try to twist to defend staying in unhealthy situations, speaks against abuse.

Proverbs 10:6 says, “Blessings crown the head of the righteous, but violence overwhelms the mouth of the wicked.”

Let me be real clear here: “violence” isn’t just fists. It’s also manipulation, controlling behavior, and words that make you feel less than human.

In other words, that nagging feeling you get when someone’s treating you poorly isn’t just in your head. The Holy Spirit is sending you red alerts, and ignoring those can land you in a pretty dangerous place.

Abuse isn’t something you handle alone; it’s something that needs a reckoning, ideally from the outside.

Breaking the Cycle

Now, we’ve all heard that classic line, “Everyone deserves a second chance,” right? But when we’re talking about abuse, that second chance should come with a whole load of responsibility and transparency, not blind forgiveness.

If you’re dealing with someone who’s crossing boundaries repeatedly, forgiveness without consequence is just giving them a pass to do it all over again.

Breaking the cycle of abuse requires immediate action—and with backup.

If you’re facing physical abuse, your number one move is always to secure your safety. This is the point where you pull in the big dogs: 911, a pastor, home group leader, a counselor, a shelter, even that neighbor who lifts weights in his garage and seems to know everybody’s business.

It’s time to prioritize your well-being, remembering that caring for yourself is not selfish but a reflection of God's desire for us to steward our lives wisely. After all, we are called to love others as we love ourselves—and that begins with honoring the life God has entrusted to us.

Finding a Jedi for the Relationship Battle

Once you’re safe (or if the abuse is less physical but still harmful), the next step is seeking help with someone neutral. This isn’t a job for your best friend, who will give you biased pep talks about how your partner’s the worst person alive. What you need is someone like a pastor, a counselor, or even a mediator who can handle the situation without getting emotionally tangled. If they have experience in handling relationship abuse, even better.

Getting an unbiased third party is critical, because here’s the kicker: narcissistic or controlling partners are experts at twisting words and creating confusion. It’s hard to call out toxic behavior when you’re the only one seeing it. Bringing in a neutral party not only shines a light on the problem, but it helps cut through the manipulation and control tactics that can make you feel isolated or trapped.

Narcissists and Control Freaks Don’t Get to Call the Shots

Now, sometimes an abusive partner will tell you outright that you “better not” seek outside help. And if you’re thinking, “Well, that’s a bit suspicious,” you’re onto something.

When someone actively resists letting you speak with others, it’s usually because they know that their behavior doesn’t stand up to any kind of outside scrutiny.

If your partner’s response to your attempts at healthy intervention is to shut it down, there’s no clearer sign that something’s wrong.

Relationships don’t survive by keeping one person in the dark; they thrive on transparency, respect, and equal footing.

If your partner has a hard time with that, it’s worth considering that they may not have your best interest at heart.

Remember: they have no legal right to dictate who you can or cannot speak to about your well-being.

Whether it’s a counselor, a pastor, or a trusted professional, if you feel compelled to reach out, that’s your choice. Not theirs.

The Truth Will Set You Free

When it comes down to it, truth-telling is your ticket to freedom. Abuse and control thrive in the shadows, under layers of manipulation and guilt-tripping that keep you guessing and second-guessing.

The Bible says, “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” (John 8:32).

If you’re stuck in a loop of feeling “not enough” or “too much” all at once, that’s not your identity—that’s abuse talking. And here’s the good news: it doesn’t have to stay that way.

Practical Steps to Start Walking in Freedom

So, what do you do next? Here’s the actionable rundown:

1. Recognize the Signs of Abuse and Control

Abuse comes in many forms, and recognizing it is the first step to breaking free. Be aware of these signs:

• Gaslighting: Constantly being told, “You’re overreacting,” “That never happened,” or “You’re imagining things,” when you know the truth.

• Isolation: Being discouraged or outright prevented from seeing friends, family, or anyone who could support you.

• Physical Harm: Any form of physical aggression, intimidation, or violence, no matter how minor it may seem at first.

• Sexual Abuse: Being forced into sexual activity without your full consent or being pressured to perform acts you’re uncomfortable with, even within a marriage or relationship.

• Economic Abuse: Controlling your access to money or resources, such as withholding your paycheck, giving you an allowance, or sabotaging your ability to work or manage finances.

• Emotional Abuse: Constant criticism, belittling, name-calling, or manipulation designed to make you feel unworthy or incapable.

• Spiritual Abuse: Using your faith or beliefs to manipulate or control you, such as twisting scripture to justify their behavior or to make you feel guilty.

2. Set Clear Boundaries

Decide what behaviors you will and won’t accept, and clearly communicate them. For example:

• “I won’t engage in conversations where I’m being yelled at or demeaned.”

• “I will not cancel plans with my friends or family because you demand it.”

If your boundaries are consistently ignored or disrespected, consider it a major red flag that the relationship may be unhealthy.

3. Seek Support from Professionals

Reach out to people equipped to help you process and take next steps. This could include:

• A licensed counselor or therapist trained in dealing with abuse.

• A trusted pastor who can provide spiritual guidance and accountability.

• A mediator if you’re trying to safely navigate changes in a relationship.

Avoid solely leaning on friends or family, as their bias or lack of expertise could hinder your progress.

4. Refrain from Gossiping About Your Relationship

Instead of venting to everyone in your social circle, focus on sharing your concerns with people who can help. For example:

• Schedule a session with a counselor to work through your feelings.

• If you need prayer support, ask a pastor or trusted prayer group, rather than broadcasting your struggles to everyone.

This will prevent unnecessary drama and keep the focus on productive solutions.

5. Prioritize Your Safety—Physically and Emotionally

• If you feel physically unsafe, leave immediately and call 911 or a domestic violence hotline. For example, the National Domestic Violence Hotline in the U.S. is 800-799-SAFE (7233).

• If emotional safety is a concern, create space for yourself by minimizing contact or arranging for time apart while seeking help.

• Have a safety plan in place, like identifying trusted people who can help you leave or shelter you if necessary.

A Final Word

Abuse isn’t just “tough times.” It’s not what God intends for you, and it’s not something you were created to endure. You are not called to live under the weight of fear, shame, or control. Abuse is a violation of the worth and dignity God has given you, and it demands action, courage, and the support of His truth and love.

Breaking free from cycles of abuse, stepping away from toxic control, and reclaiming the abundant life God promises is a journey of faith and transformation. It won’t always be easy, but every boundary set, every prayer lifted, and every step forward is a testimony of God’s strength working in you. His grace will sustain you, and His love will restore you.

You are a beloved child of God, created in His image and redeemed through Christ. You are worth fighting for because God has already fought for you. He sees your pain, hears your cries, and walks beside you, offering the courage and wisdom to take the next step toward healing.

The truth will set you free, and that truth is found in God’s love. Trust in Him, lean on His promises, and allow His light to guide you out of the darkness. Your freedom is waiting, and God’s arms are open wide to welcome you into the peace and joy you deserve.

Confrontation IN Marriage: How to Address Issues the Right Way

We’re continuing our blog series on What to Do When Your Marriage is in Trouble. If you haven’t caught the previous entries yet, do yourself a favor and go back to the beginning. Trust me—it’s worth it for the full picture, because all of these ideas build on each other.

Today’s topic: confronting your spouse directly when issues arise—and why avoiding this step can keep you trapped in cycles of resentment, gossip, and unaddressed pain.

Now, if you’re sitting there thinking, “Isn’t confrontation just picking a fight?” or “Can’t I just vent to my friends instead?”—I’ve got news for you. Confrontation, when done right, is one of the most powerful and transformative acts in any relationship.

It’s like setting a bone that’s been out of place for far too long—painful, yes, but necessary for healing. And let’s be honest—no one likes the idea of confrontation. It’s uncomfortable, it’s awkward, and it forces you to look at things you’d rather ignore. But growth happens in the discomfort. And if you want a healthy marriage, you’ve got to be willing to get uncomfortable.

Avoiding Confrontation: The Silent Killer of Marriages

Let’s start by being real about what happens when you avoid confronting issues in your marriage. Maybe your spouse says something hurtful, or they do something that crosses a boundary. You feel that gut reaction—anger, frustration, hurt—but instead of addressing it, you shove it down, bury it deep, and tell yourself, “It’s not worth the fight.”

But what happens?

That little seed of resentment starts to grow. And it doesn’t just go away because you ignore it. No, it lingers, festers, and over time, it becomes this massive wall between you and your spouse.

Let’s be clear—avoiding confrontation is like refusing to change the oil in your car. You might think you’re saving time and avoiding hassle, but eventually, the engine seizes up, and you’re stranded on the side of the road, wondering how things got so bad. You have two choices: confront the issues as they come or let them pile up until the damage is almost irreversible. And trust me, the latter option costs a lot more.

The Right Way to Confront

Now, let’s talk about how to confront your spouse the right way.

This isn’t about rolling up to your spouse with a list of grievances like you’re preparing for a courtroom drama. It’s about honest, direct communication. And here’s the thing—before you even go to your spouse, you’ve got to check yourself first. You’ve got to make sure you’re not coming in hot, swinging with all the emotions. That’s a quick way to start a fight, not solve a problem.

Here’s the approach: Own your feelings. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” or “You’re always ignoring my needs,” start with I statements. “I felt hurt when this happened,” or “I’m struggling with feeling disconnected.” Why? Because when you use “I” statements, you’re taking responsibility for your own emotions instead of placing blame. It opens the door for a conversation rather than a confrontation.

And let’s be honest—when you come at someone with, “You always…” or “You never…”, you’re pretty much lighting the fuse on a stick of dynamite. This is like showing up to a housewarming party and immediately complaining about the wallpaper—nobody’s going to listen to you after that.

NEVER Gossip ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE

Now, this is where a lot of people get it wrong, and I mean a lot.

When their spouse hurts them, instead of going directly to them, they go to their friends. They vent, they spill all the details, and they call it “getting support” or “asking for advice.” But let’s be real—that’s just a fancy way of dressing up gossip. It’s taking the issue to everyone except the one person who can actually do something about it.

Think of it this way: if you’ve got a leaky pipe, you don’t call your neighbor and complain about it. You call the plumber, the one person who can actually do something about it. They’re the one you need to have the conversation with, not your friends, not your mom, and not your coworker. And when you go to someone else before you go to your spouse, you’re not just avoiding the issue—you’re violating trust. You’re creating a divide where there should be unity.

When Confrontation Is Done Right, It’s Transformative

When you confront your spouse with honesty, humility, and a genuine desire for resolution, it opens up the opportunity for growth. You see, the goal of confrontation isn’t to “win” or to prove who’s right. It’s to address the issue, clear the air, and move forward. It’s not about winning a battle; it’s about strengthening the foundation of your relationship. And that requires a shift in mindset.

Imagine you’re in a soccer match, and your goal is to score points. The moment you start focusing on taking down your teammate instead of working together to score, you’re sabotaging your own chances of victory. It’s the same in marriage. You and your spouse are a team, and when issues arise, the point isn’t to “win” against each other but to work together to overcome the problem. You’re both on the same side—don’t lose sight of that.

The Bible’s Approach: Go Directly to Them

This isn’t just some modern relationship advice; it’s biblical wisdom. The Bible makes it clear: when someone sins against you, go to them directly (Matthew 18:15). That means, no detours to your friends, no subtle passive-aggressive comments hoping they’ll get the hint—just straightforward, honest communication.

And look, I get it. Direct confrontation is uncomfortable. It feels vulnerable, and it takes a lot of courage. But the alternative is far worse. When you avoid addressing the issue, it doesn’t go away—it grows. And instead of building intimacy and trust, you create distance and resentment.

Now, here’s an important point: when you go to your spouse, the goal is not to attack. It’s not to unload all your frustrations like you’re opening the floodgates. Approach with humility. The Bible talks about this, too—speaking the truth in love. You’re not there to accuse or to condemn. You’re there to build a bridge, not burn it.

When You Need a Neutral Third Party

But let’s say you’ve confronted your spouse. You’ve had the conversation, and it didn’t go the way you hoped. Maybe they’re not receptive. Maybe they’re defensive. At this point, you might feel stuck. This is where you bring in a neutral third party—someone like a pastor, counselor, or trusted mentor who can help mediate the situation.

And let’s clarify something here: this third party shouldn’t be your best friend from college or your neighbor who just loves hearing the latest gossip. It should be someone who has the wisdom, experience, and maturity to guide the conversation and hold both of you accountable. It’s about finding a referee who can keep things on track, not someone who’ll take sides.

When you bring in a neutral party, you’re not admitting defeat—you’re admitting that you care enough about the relationship to seek help. It’s like bringing in a coach when your game isn’t working. It doesn’t mean you’re losing; it means you’re committed to winning in the right way.

What to Do When Confrontation Isn’t Safe

If you’re in a situation where you genuinely feel threatened, do not hesitate to seek immediate help. This might mean reaching out to a trusted pastor, counselor, or, if necessary, law enforcement. This is not a time for shame or fear—it’s about your safety and well-being. The Bible is clear: no one has the right to use power or control to inflict harm. Establishing firm boundaries and taking steps to protect yourself is not only wise but necessary. It’s an act of stewardship over your own life and well-being, aligning with God’s heart for you to live in freedom and peace, not fear or oppression.

Now, it’s important to differentiate between casual misuse of the term toxic and actual unsafe or abusive situations. When confrontation isn’t safe, such as in an environment where physical or emotional abuse is present, the rules absolutely change. Safety becomes the priority, and any confrontation should take place in a controlled, protected setting.

The term toxic or the idea that "this person isn't safe" has become a trending, easy-to-use cliché. It’s a label that many people quickly learn the power of and then use as a weapon, often without much thought or discernment. If you find yourself frequently using the word toxic or phrases like not safe as a regular part of your vocabulary, it’s crucial to be cautious. Not only are you modeling this behavior to your children—who will, trust me, start using these terms liberally on just about everyone, from the Starbucks barista to the person taking their order at McDonald's—but you may also be revealing a deeper issue. When these words become habitual, it could indicate the presence of a victim mindset, a disposition that sees danger or offense where it may not actually exist. This mindset might require gentle deconstruction, rooted in solid biblical discernment, and possibly the guidance of a professional counselor.

A Call to Courage

Confrontation is necessary for growth.

It’s uncomfortable, it’s awkward, but it’s also the doorway to a stronger, healthier marriage. You can’t avoid it, and you can’t delegate it to your friends. It’s your responsibility, and it’s your opportunity.

When you confront your spouse, you’re not just addressing a problem—you’re building a bridge. You’re saying, “I value this relationship enough to have this uncomfortable conversation.” And when done with love, humility, and honesty, confrontation isn’t a wedge that drives you apart. It’s a tool that brings you closer together.

So, next time you feel that tension rising, that urge to sweep things under the rug or vent to someone else, remember this: Courage is confronting the issue head-on, trusting that God will work through the discomfort to bring about healing and growth.

And if you get it right, it’s a step that could transform not only your marriage but your life.

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ADDITIONAL RESOURCES

Need more practical help in the area of confrontation and conflict management? Here are some of my favorite books on the topic that offer valuable insights and strategies:

Fight Fair: Winning at Conflict without Losing at Love

Practice of Honor: Putting Into Daily Life the Culture of Honor by Danny Silk - This book focuses on creating a culture of honor, helping you navigate conflict while maintaining respect, love, and dignity in your relationships.

Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend - A classic that emphasizes the importance of setting healthy boundaries and provides a biblical perspective on conflict resolution.

The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande - This guide helps you apply biblical principles to resolve conflicts effectively and restore relationships in a God-honoring way.

Releasing Control

Welcome back!

We’re continuing our blog series on What to Do When Your Marriage is in Trouble. If you haven’t caught the previous entries yet, do yourself a favor and go back to the beginning.

Trust me—it’s worth it for the full picture, because all of these ideas build on each other.

Today, we’re tackling a big one: control.

[Insert dramatic soundtrack here: BUM BUM BUMMMMMMMM!]

If you’re like most of us, you’ve probably tried to control a situation or two—or maybe you’ve tried to control everything, from the way the towels are folded to your spouse’s behavior. And, surprise surprise, it hasn’t worked out so well. That’s because control is a sneaky thing. It makes you think you’re fixing something, when in reality, you’re just tightening the leash on a relationship that should be about love, trust, and freedom.

It’s important to note that this issue of control isn’t gender-specific. Both men and women can struggle with this, and often for different reasons.

Maybe you think you’re helping by organizing your partner’s schedule, or perhaps you step in when you feel like you’re more “capable.” Either way, the result is the same—an imbalance that leaves both partners feeling drained.

So, how do we let go of control? How do we trust instead of trying to manipulate every little detail in our marriages? We’re going to break this down step by step.

Step 1: Accept the Fact That You’re Not Actually in Control

This is where it all begins—admitting you’re not actually in control.

That might sound simple, but it’s one of the hardest things to do. You might think you’re just “organizing” or “helping things go smoother,” but if we’re being real, those are often just fancy ways of saying, “I’m making sure things go my way.”

For men, this might look like over-managing finances or dictating how certain tasks are done around the house.

For women, it could be rearranging the dishwasher after it’s loaded or frequently offering “helpful” reminders. Whatever form it takes, control can creep into a marriage like an uninvited houseguest, slowly taking over.

Proverbs 16:9 tells us, “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.”

Here’s the truth: we’re never really in control, not in the big sense. Sure, we can make plans, fold laundry a certain way, or send out reminders, but at the end of the day, only God can direct the true course of our lives. And guess what? That includes your spouse.

Control is Exhausting—For Both of You

The problem with trying to control everything is that it’s downright exhausting. It’s like being a one-person orchestra where you’re expected to play all the instruments simultaneously. You think you’re managing everything, but in reality, you’re out of tune and out of energy.

Here’s a scenario. You want everything to go smoothly, so you plan every last detail of your week. You create color-coded schedules for the family, you remind your spouse multiple times about dinner plans, and you get frustrated when things don’t go according to your master plan. Then, instead of helping, your spouse gets distant. They stop engaging because, frankly, who wants to feel micromanaged in their own home?

This can happen regardless of whether you’re a husband or a wife. Over-managing details can cause your spouse to pull away, feeling less engaged or even resentful, and in turn, you both end up feeling worn out.

Matthew 11:28 says, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Control adds weight, both to your relationship and to your own heart. Letting go of that need to manage every detail is the first step towards finding real rest.

Step 2: Letting Go of the Outcome

Here’s where things get tricky. Letting go of control means letting go of the outcome. This is the part that freaks most people out.

If you’re not pulling the strings, who is?

What if things go wrong?

What if your spouse makes a decision you don’t agree with?

What if—gasp—they mess up?

And now comes the uncomfortable truth: that’s okay!

Part of being in a relationship, especially a marriage, is trusting your spouse enough to let them make mistakes. It’s trusting them enough to let them take responsibility for their own actions without you stepping in to “fix” everything. It’s realizing that love and control don’t go hand in hand.

1 Corinthians 13:7 says, “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

Notice what’s not on that list?

Love doesn’t control all things.

Love gives freedom, even when it’s uncomfortable, even when it means things don’t go perfectly according to plan.

Whether you're a husband or a wife, trying to control every outcome in your marriage is like holding your partner’s arm behind their back instead of gently holding their hand. One is a partnership. The other is force, and force isn’t love.

Step 3: Trust is Not Passive—It’s Active

Now, some of you might be thinking, But if I let go of control, won’t everything fall apart?

I get it. Letting go feels risky. It feels passive. But trust me, it’s not. Trust isn’t sitting back and doing nothing.

Trust is actively choosing to let God and your spouse step up without you orchestrating every move.

Psalm 37:5 says, “Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act.” Trust is active because it involves a decision.

And you know what’s funny? When you stop trying to control everything, you might find that your spouse rises to the occasion. Whether you're a man or a woman, giving your partner space allows them to step up. Maybe they load the dishwasher “wrong,” but they start taking on more responsibility in areas you never even asked for. Maybe they don’t handle a situation the way you would have, but they figure it out on their own—and your marriage grows stronger because of it.

Why Letting Go of Control Leads to Real Freedom

Here’s the bottom line: letting go of control leads to real freedom, not just for your spouse but for you.

When you stop micromanaging every aspect of your relationship, you give both of you space to grow, to learn, and to love without the constant pressure of perfection.

Galatians 5:1 says, “For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.”

Control is a yoke—it’s heavy, restrictive, and it keeps you and your spouse from experiencing the true freedom God intended for your marriage.

The Freedom in Letting Go

So, where does this leave us?

Letting go of control isn’t about doing nothing—it’s about trusting God, trusting your spouse, and trusting that things will work out, even when they don’t go exactly according to your plan.

It’s about releasing that tight grip you have on the outcome and letting real love—trusting, freeing, and imperfect love—take its place.

As you move forward, ask yourself, “Where am I holding too tightly? Where can I give my spouse more freedom, and myself more peace?” It won’t happen overnight, but as you start to release control, you’ll find that what comes in its place is so much more fulfilling.

Stay tuned for more insights in this series, and if you’re looking for additional resources or support, check out darrenstott.com.

IT’S NOT ABOUT THE DIRTY DISHES (BUT LET’S BE HONEST, IT KINDA IS)

What Causes Marriage Problems? Understanding the Root Issues

Welcome back! This is part of our blog series on What to Do When Your Marriage is in Trouble. If you haven’t had a chance to read the previous posts, be sure to go back and read the entire series for maximum effectiveness. Each blog builds on the last, giving you the tools and insights to bring healing and restoration to your relationship.

Today, we’re diving into a critical topic—what actually causes marriage problems.

Spoiler alert: it’s usually not just one thing. But the good news is, by identifying the root issues, you can start addressing them head-on and work towards building a stronger, healthier marriage.

Plates are plates. They’ll be fine.

Have you ever found yourself in a heated argument over something as ridiculous as the way the dishwasher was loaded? You know, one of those moments where you start off talking about something small—like plates—and before you know it, you’re debating existential life questions like, “Does my spouse even love me?” and “Why are we still living like this?”

It always starts out simple. You walk into the kitchen, humming to yourself, and then... boom. The dishwasher looks like a blind man failed at a game of kitchen Tetris. Plates are on the top rack, the cups are stuffed in there sideways, and you’re pretty sure the forks are organized by chaos theory.

You stare at it for a second, taking it in like you're at some abstract art exhibit—or maybe just staring at solid evidence of genetic stupidity. And before you can stop yourself, the words tumble out.

“Why are the plates on the top rack?” You try to keep it casual, but inside you’re thinking, Who does this? Who raised you? Is this a cry for help?

Your spouse looks up from their phone, inconvenienced by your question. “What’s wrong with the top rack?”

Now, this is where things get dicey. You take a deep breath, like you're about to give a TED Talk no one asked for. “The water doesn’t even reach the plates up there.”

They shrug, completely unfazed. “Plates are plates. They’ll be fine.”

And now, here it comes—the storm building inside you. Plates are plates? That’s like saying cats are dogs. You can’t just throw things anywhere and expect it to work! That’s how you end up with dirty plates and a messy marriage! But, you’re cool. You can stay calm. After all, it’s just the dishwasher, right?

“That’s not how it works. Plates go on the bottom, where the water can actually hit them. You don’t just—" And then it hits you. This isn’t about the plates anymore. This is about something deeper, darker—like the time they forgot your birthday, or the fact they’ve been using your good towels as gym rags.

But instead of going down the rabbit hole, you pause, giving them the chance to make this right. A little acknowledgment, a little ownership of their crimes. Maybe even an apology.

What do you get instead? An eye roll so big, it’s like they’re trying to check out the back of their own small, thick, empty skull.

“Well, maybe if you actually loaded the dishwasher once in a while, we wouldn’t have this problem,” they say, leaning back in their chair like they just delivered a wisdom nugget straight from the mouth of Confucius.

Now, this is where things go off the rails. I load the dishwasher! I do! But they said it so confidently that now you’re starting to doubt yourself. Like, Do I load the dishwasher? Have I ever? Am I the problem?

You shake it off. No. Not today, Satan. You’re not falling for it. “I load the dishwasher correctly when I do it, though. You know, with logic and reason. Not... whatever this is.”

They smirk, and you’re pretty sure you can hear angels weeping in the background. “Logic and reason? Oh, wow, I didn’t realize we were turning this into a Socratic dialogue. What’s next, you gonna start quoting Plato on the cutlery? Clearly, your parents’ investment in that Classical Education is finally paying off.” And just like that, the dishwasher has officially become a metaphor for your entire marriage.

You cross your arms, leaning against the counter like you’re gearing up for the showdown at high noon. “It’s not just the dishwasher. You never listen to me.”

Their eyebrows shoot up like you just accused them of a federal crime. “Never listen to you? Babe, you act like you’re out here dropping secret codes to the universe. You’re mad about the plates. Get a life!”

You want to laugh, but it’s too late. The dam has broken, and here comes the flood. “Oh, it’s about more than the plates. It’s about the fact that I asked you last week to fix the garage door and you said you’d do it, but here we are, still ducking under it like we’re freakin’ Indiana Jones!”

“Oh, here we go. You’re gonna bring up the garage door now? Next thing you know, you’ll be throwing 2014 in my face like I didn’t forget our anniversary because I was at work, keeping the lights on in this place!”

More shots fired! You’re not just talking about dishes or doors anymore. You’re unraveling seven years of pent-up frustrations in front of the dishwasher, all because some plates are taking a joyride on the top rack.

It’s always the small stuff that cracks the dam, isn’t it?

It’s almost never about the dishwasher. These small conflicts usually point to something deeper that’s been bubbling under the surface. Maybe it’s a lack of communication, unmet expectations, or feeling unappreciated. The dirty dishes are just the spark that ignites the real issue.

Ephesians 4:26 (ESV) gives us this wisdom: "Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger."

It’s a reminder that small issues, when left unresolved, can snowball into something much bigger. Just like that warning light on your car dashboard, these minor arguments are signals that something deeper needs attention. Ignoring them doesn’t make the issue go away—it just means you’ll be stranded on the side of the road sooner or later.

While the small things can set off arguments, the real culprits behind most marriage problems are disconnection and unmet expectations.

1. Disconnection: Over time, life happens. You get busy with work, kids, and responsibilities. What used to be long conversations over dinner turns into quick exchanges about the kids’ schedule or who’s picking up groceries. It’s not that you’ve stopped loving each other, but the emotional connection starts to weaken.

   Proverbs 18:21 tells us, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue." This highlights how important your words and communication are. When communication breaks down, the emotional bond begins to fray.

This is why you might feel like you’re living more like roommates than partners. You’re sharing a life, but not really sharing life. When the emotional connection is lost, everything else—intimacy, trust, patience—starts to deteriorate.

1. Unmet Expectations: Unmet expectations are the silent marriage killer. Often, they’re not even spoken out loud, but they’re there. You expected marriage to look a certain way. Maybe you thought your spouse would do more around the house or you envisioned a more exciting, adventurous life together. Over time, these expectations can morph into disappointments, and if left unchecked, they turn into resentment.

James 4:1-2 says, "What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?"

Unmet desires can quickly lead to conflict if we’re not open about them. Sometimes we don’t even realize what our expectations are until they go unmet.

Communication is one of the first things to suffer when marriages are in trouble.

And not just any communication—meaningful communication. We’re not talking about the "Can you grab milk on your way home?" type of talk. We’re talking about the heart-to-heart conversations that used to come naturally.

When communication breaks down, it creates a space for misunderstandings, assumptions, and worst of all—distance. You stop sharing your thoughts and feelings, and the distance grows. Eventually, you’re living with someone you barely recognize emotionally.

Proverbs 13:17 tells us, “A wicked messenger falls into trouble, but a faithful envoy brings healing.”

When we communicate faithfully and openly with our spouses, we open the door for healing and reconciliation. But when we hide, avoid, or simply shut down, we fall into the trap of distance and isolation.

Another major cause of marriage problems that can’t be ignored is unforgiveness.

Whether it’s a small offense or a significant betrayal, holding onto hurt creates a barrier that’s hard to overcome. Unforgiveness is like a heavy chain around your relationship, keeping you stuck in the past instead of moving forward.

Matthew 6:14 says, "For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you."

It’s not easy to forgive, but it’s essential for a healthy marriage. When we don’t forgive, we leave room for bitterness to grow. And once bitterness takes root, it can choke out the love and trust that once held your marriage together.

It’s not just about saying, “I forgive you.” Real forgiveness requires vulnerability, humility, and the willingness to let go of the hurt—whether or not your spouse fully acknowledges the pain they caused. It’s about freeing yourself and opening the door for healing.

Once you’ve identified some of the root causes of your marriage problems—whether it’s disconnection, unmet expectations, communication breakdown, or unforgiveness—the next step is to bring these issues into the light.

Ephesians 5:13 reminds us, "But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible."

In other words, healing begins when you’re honest about what’s really going on.

This means having an open, honest, and humble conversation with your spouse about what you’re feeling and experiencing. It’s not about blaming them or pointing fingers—it’s about expressing your heart and being vulnerable. Vulnerability is hard, especially if there’s been hurt, but it’s the only way to start rebuilding trust and connection.

 Marriage problems are complex, and they don’t stem from just one issue. Whether it’s disconnection, unmet expectations, or unforgiveness, the key is to address these root issues with open, honest, and humble communication.

Don’t let small conflicts snowball into something bigger by ignoring them. Instead, have the hard conversations now, before it’s too late.

Remember, marriage is a journey, not a destination. There will be bumps along the way, but with God’s grace and a commitment to facing issues head-on, healing is possible.

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About the Author:

Darren Stott is a powerhouse revivalist known for walking in signs-and-wonders, miracles, and salvations. His Portals University has equipped thousands with the practices needed to engage the heavenly windows of opportunity. Darren is a joy guy—whether he's leading people to Jesus or equipping a room of businessmen, Darren is known for the sort of joy that is able to drive a point home and see dramatic life change. Darren Stott is a Pastor, Author, Podcaster, Radio Host, and Founder of Supernaturalist Ministries.

For more information and resources, visit darrenstott.com.

Do You Have a Moldy Marriage?

If you’re reading this, and you are, it’s likely that either you or someone you know is facing some turbulence in their marriage.

Maybe it’s more than just the usual squabbles over whose turn it is to take out the trash, or perhaps you’ve been stuck in an unending loop of silent treatments, each one colder than the last.

Whatever the case, you're in the right place, because today, we’re diving into what to do when your marriage is in trouble, and how you can start turning things around.

Now, I know what you might be thinking: "Why should I listen to this guy? My situation is different." And you’re right—every marriage is as unique as the people in it. But here’s the kicker: the foundational issues that cause marital strife are often strikingly similar across the board. And if we can pinpoint those, we can begin to heal them.

The Problem With Keeping Things in the Dark

In Ephesians 5:13, Paul says, “But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible.” Now, Paul wasn’t just talking about the suspicious-looking leftovers in your fridge. He was getting at something much deeper—the fact that problems only get worse when they’re hidden in the dark.

And speaking of suspicious-looking leftovers, let’s say they’re starting to grow a nice fuzzy coat—yup, that’s mold! It might be funny in your fridge, but it’s no joke in your marriage. Just like those leftovers, problems in your marriage can start to grow when they’re left unattended. The thing about mold is, it can grow anywhere, but it really thrives in those neglected, hidden corners where the light doesn’t reach—just like the issues in your relationship. When problems are left in the dark, they fester and spread, often unnoticed until they’ve caused serious damage.

When you’re too afraid to bring your issues into the light, they start to fester.

You might think you’re keeping the peace by not addressing the elephant in the room, but in reality, you’re just letting it grow fatter and more destructive.

Here’s the first hard truth: you need to bring your marital issues into the light. This doesn’t mean airing your dirty laundry on social media or telling your nosy neighbor all about your spouse's quirks. No, it means being honest with yourself, your spouse, and God. You can’t fix what you refuse to face.

Why Marriages Fail

Now, let’s get into the nitty-gritty of why marriages fail. It’s not like you wake up one day and decide, “You know what? Divorce sounds like a fun new adventure.” No, it’s a gradual process—a slow burn that starts with a spark of unresolved conflict and ends in a wildfire of resentment.

One of the biggest culprits?

Fear.

Yep, fear.

The Bible talks about fear in a way that’s almost paradoxical. On one hand, we’re told, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” (Proverbs 9:10, ESV). But on the other, we’re also told, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear” (1 John 4:18, ESV). So, what gives?

Here’s the thing: healthy fear—the kind that leads to wisdom—guides us towards making better choices. But the fear that creeps into a marriage isn’t the healthy kind. It’s the fear of rejection, the fear of vulnerability, the fear of being truly seen by the person who’s supposed to love you the most. And that fear? It’s a relationship killer.

Fear drives us to hide, to pretend everything’s fine when it’s not. It’s like trying to keep a beach ball underwater—it takes a lot of effort, and eventually, it’s going to pop up and hit you right in the face.

The Usual Suspects

If we’re going to talk about what’s really going wrong in your marriage, we need to discuss the unholy trinity of relationship destruction: fear, shame, and control.

These three amigos have been around since the dawn of time—literally. They made their debut in the Garden of Eden, and they’ve been wreaking havoc ever since.

Remember Genesis 3? Adam and Eve, the first couple, had it all. Paradise, an intimate relationship with God, and not a care in the world. That is, until they decided to snack on the one fruit God told them to avoid.

What happened next?

They realized they were naked (cue the shame), hid from God (hello, fear), and tried to cover themselves up with fig leaves (classic control move).

This same cycle plays out in marriages today. You make a mistake, feel ashamed, and instead of coming clean, you hide it.

You control the narrative, trying to maintain an image, but all the while, the relationship is deteriorating.

Fear leads to shame, shame leads to control, and control leads to—you guessed it—more fear.

Step 1: Conquering Fear

Alright, now that we’ve diagnosed the problem, let’s talk about solutions.

Step one: stop partnering with fear. Fear is like that friend who always borrows money but never pays it back—it takes and takes and leaves you worse off than before.

2 Timothy 1:7 says, “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” Notice the contrast here? Fear is the opposite of power, love, and self-control. If you’re operating in fear, you’re missing out on the very tools you need to fix your marriage.

So how do you conquer fear? By acknowledging it. Call it out. Tell your spouse, “Hey, I’m scared. I’m scared of where this is heading, and I don’t want to lose you.”

Vulnerability is scary, but it’s also powerful. It’s the first step towards real healing.

Step 2: Shame Off You

Next up, we need to deal with shame. Shame is that little voice in your head that says, “You’re not good enough. If they really knew you, they wouldn’t love you.” But here’s the truth: shame is a liar.

Romans 8:1 reminds us, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” If you’re walking around with shame on your shoulders, it’s time to shake it off.

Shame doesn’t come from God; it comes from the enemy who wants to keep you trapped in a cycle of self-doubt and self-loathing.

Here’s a little secret: no one’s marriage is perfect. Everyone has issues. The key is not to let those issues define you. Instead of letting shame control your actions, let grace lead the way. Extend grace to yourself and your spouse. After all, you’re both human, and humans are notoriously imperfect.

Step 3: Letting Go of Control

Finally, let’s talk about control. We all like to think we’re in control, but the truth is, control is an illusion. It’s like trying to herd cats—no matter how hard you try, things are going to go their own way.

Proverbs 3:5-6 tells us, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” Control is rooted in pride, the belief that you can handle everything on your own. But spoiler alert: you can’t.

Letting go of control means trusting God with your marriage. It means admitting that you don’t have all the answers and that you can’t fix this on your own. And that’s okay. It’s not about giving up; it’s about giving over—handing your marriage over to the One who created it in the first place.

The Road to Healing

So, where do we go from here?

Well, if you’ve made it this far, congratulations—you’ve taken the first step towards healing. You’ve acknowledged that fear, shame, and control have been running the show, and you’re ready to change that.

The road to healing won’t be easy. It’s going to require vulnerability, humility, and a whole lot of grace. But here’s the good news: you’re not in this alone. God is with you, and He’s more invested in your marriage than you can imagine.

Jeremiah 29:11 reminds us, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

So, let’s step into that hope!! Let’s bring everything into the light and start the journey towards healing and restoration. Your marriage is worth fighting for, and with God on your side, there’s no battle you can’t win.

And remember, if you need some encouragement along the way, come back to this blog. We’ll be here, walking this journey with you, one step at a time.

I look forward to sharing more with you in the weeks ahead. Remember, what God has joined together, let no man separate. Don’t give up on God, don’t give up on your spouse, and don’t give up on yourself. God’s grace is sufficient. Stay tuned!